Made me laugh

Updated nursery rhymes:


Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall

The structure of the wall was incorrect

So he won ten grand with Claims Direct


Jack and Jill went into town

To fetch some chips and sweeties

Now Jack can’t keep his heart rate down

And Jill’s got diabetes


It's raining, it's pouring
Of course..it's global warming

 

this is from Radio 4 this morning who highlighted a letter in the Daily Torygraph this morning. in his speech to the CBU Bojo the Clown compared himself to Moses. The letter said that Moses parted the Red Sea, Bojo can't part his hair.

 

Got really emotional at the petrol station this morning,

Just started filling up

 

That’s a lot of work for an average joke..

 

I selected it using an algorithmic spreadsheet, it turned out to be bang average so I've loaned it out to the BBS

 

Ignore wouldn’t take image

 

The time our Ben followed Ellie too closely & she crapped on his head..

 

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg gets invited to a Fancy Dress party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem...
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note..
"Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirates outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate"...
The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a really rude letter of complaint...
A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says, "Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monks habit...
The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part"...
Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes the company a scathing letter of complaint...
The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads, "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a jar of caramel. Pour the jar of caramel over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a toffee apple"...

 

An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results.

The doctor says, 'George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?'

George replies, 'God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! The light goes off.

''Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the Doctor calls George's wife. 'Ethel,' he says, 'George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! The light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! The light goes off?'

'Oh my God!' Ethel exclaims. 'He's pissing in the fridge again!!!

 

George Harrison on the 64 Australia tour..
There’s more people than came to see the Queen..
“I should think so, She didn’t have any hit records..”
Laugh? I nearly bought my own beer..

 

I came out of the pub last night and a policewoman approached me and said I was staggering.
I thanked her and told her if she lost a couple of stones and did her hair better, she could look good too.
I hope the magistrates take this into account

 

our local shop was broken into and every can of Red Bull was taken.

How do these people sleep at night?