Made me laugh

Discussion in 'Bulletin Board' started by Connor, Feb 25, 2018.

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  1. arabian_ian

    arabian_ian Well-Known Member

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    I could tell you what position she liked.
     
    arabian_ian, Apr 15, 2018
    #261
    Hooky feller and Connor like this.
  2. shenk1

    shenk1 Well-Known Member

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    Pray for my Mother-In-Law

    She's been taken to hospital as a bee landed on her face.

    Luckily she wasn't stung... I was too quick with the spade!
     
    shenk1, Apr 15, 2018
    #262
    Connor likes this.
  3. Marlon

    Marlon Well-Known Member

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    I told mother in law I’m gonna dance on her grave .
    Old bats made arrangements to be buried at sea
     
    Marlon, Apr 15, 2018
    #263
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  4. Sim

    Simon De Montforte Well-Known Member

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    My wife left me because of my obsession with The Fonz.
    Happy days......!!!!...
     
    Simon De Montforte, Apr 16, 2018
    #264
    DSLRed, Metatarsal, Connor and 3 others like this.
  5. Sim

    Simon De Montforte Well-Known Member

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    A man threatened to hunt me down and attack me with a pair of shock absorbers. He didn’t say when though. The suspension’s killing me.
     
    Simon De Montforte, Apr 16, 2018
    #265
    Spuggy, wakeyred, Metatarsal and 1 other person like this.
  6. Sup

    SuperTyke Well-Known Member

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    Mine left me because of my lack of vocabulary.
    I'm lost for words
     
    SuperTyke, Apr 16, 2018
    #266
    Simon De Montforte and JLWBigLil like this.
  7. Sim

    Simon De Montforte Well-Known Member

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    My partner says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy. What planet is she on!.
     
    Simon De Montforte, Apr 16, 2018
    #267
    scarf, Metatarsal, SuperTyke and 1 other person like this.
  8. Sup

    SuperTyke Well-Known Member

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    That reminds me actually, my ex wife (I've been married many times) left me because of my obsession with cricket
    It really knocked me for 6
     
    SuperTyke, Apr 16, 2018
    #268
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  9. Jul

    Julian Broddle's Perm Well-Known Member

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    Bloke goes to the doctors complaining about his orange nob.
    Doctor takes a look at it and gasps, "Wow. I have never seen anything like that before. Can I ask, do you handle chemicals at work?"
    "No", says the man, "I don't have a job".
    "You don't have a job? So what do you do all day?" replies the doctor.
    "Just sit at home watching porn and eating Wotsits".
     
    Julian Broddle's Perm, Apr 16, 2018
    #269
  10. Con

    Connor Well-Known Member

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    Selfridges doesn't sell fridges. Boots don't sell boots
    Curries didn't sell curries, PC World doesn't sell politically correct worlds.
    Any others you can think of?
     
    Connor, Apr 17, 2018
    #270
  11. Marlon

    Marlon Well-Known Member

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    Sainsbury’s isn’t an undertaker
     
    Marlon, Apr 17, 2018
    #271
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  12. arabian_ian

    arabian_ian Well-Known Member

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    Slaters are not Roofers
     
    arabian_ian, Apr 17, 2018
    #272
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  13. Mark Stephenson

    Mark Stephenson Well-Known Member

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    Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wong's have a new baby. - The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy WHITE boy - "Congratulations" the nurse says to the new parents - "Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs Wong name the baby?"
    The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, "well, two Wong's don't make a White, so I tink we name him Sum Ting Wong"
     
    Mark Stephenson, Apr 17, 2018
    #273
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  14. TonyTyke

    TonyTyke Well-Known Member

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    Good - A gorgeous girl hugs you.
    Bad - You get an erection.
    Worse - You realise it’s not yours.
    Worst - Now you've got an erection!
     
    TonyTyke, Apr 26, 2018
    #274
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  15. KamikazeCo-Pilot

    KamikazeCo-Pilot Well-Known Member

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    A man goes into a pet shop and says to the assistant 'Id like to buy a wasp please.'
    'Sorry sir, we dont sell wasps'
    'Yes you do, I've just seen one in the window'
     
    KamikazeCo-Pilot, Apr 26, 2018
    #275
  16. shed131

    shed131 Well-Known Member

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    went to the doctors the other day for a medical..the doctor asked hows your sex life
    i replied ....infrequently
    without looking up he said .. shed lad, is that one word or two ....
     
    shed131, Apr 26, 2018
    #276
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  17. Met

    Metatarsal Well-Known Member

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    I went to the pet shop today, whilst looking around I kept hearing a quiet voice saying "Lizard, Lizard, Lizard", then again "Lizard, Lizard, Lizard".

    I said to the owner "Is it me, or is there a Gecko in here?"
     
    Metatarsal, Apr 26, 2018
    #277
    wakeyred likes this.
  18. Old Goat

    Old Goat Well-Known Member

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    BFC don't sell Barnsley Fried Chicken.
     
    Old Goat, Apr 27, 2018
    #278
  19. Old Goat

    Old Goat Well-Known Member

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    "Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a cowboy"
    "How long have you felt like that?"
    "About a yee-haar!"
     
    Old Goat, Apr 27, 2018
    #279
    JamDrop and Metatarsal like this.
  20. only1kp

    only1kp Well-Known Member

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    This Portuguese bloke once managed to pillock a English football club into giving him a job..

    The silly cnuts
     
    only1kp, Apr 27, 2018
    #280
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