Made me laugh

A few of the top 10 jokes from the Edinburgh fringe:

I spent the morning building a time machine. That's four hours I'll definitely get back.

I sent a food parcel to my first wife, FedEx.

If you get pregnant in the Amazon you get next day delivery.

I tried to steal some spaghetti from a supermarket but there was a female security guard at the door. I couldn't get pasta. (this was no. 1)

my attempts to mix nitrous oxide and an Oxo cube made me a laughing stock.

I hate funerals, I'm not a mourning person.

I used to live hand to mouth. Do you know what changed my life? Cutlery.

I can't even be bothered with apathy nowadays.

 

Dave and Pete were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft engineers in Darwin, Australia .
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'
Pete says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.
You wanna try it?'
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.
The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.
In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.
Nothing!
Then the phone rings. It's Pete.
Pete says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'
Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?'
Pete says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'
Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often..'
' Yeah, well there's just one thing.'
'What's that?'
'Have you farted yet?'
'No.'
'Well, DON’T - 'cause I'm in New Zealand

 

As is tradition in Italian families, Maria spends her wedding night in her family home. Her mother sleeps in the adjacent room in case Maria has any questions. Mama tells Maria, "You have any a problem, you come and see Mama."
Later, Maria's husband unbuttons his shirt, and Maria jumps up, runs next door and cries, "Mama, Mama.. He has hair all over his chest..!"
Mama reassures Maria, "Men have hair on the chest. This is sign of a good man. Go now and make him happy."
But when Maria's husband takes off his belt, she goes jumps up again, runs next door and cries, "Mama, Mama..! He has a protrusion in his pants..!"
Mama reassures her, "He finds you beautiful. This is sign of a good man. Go now and make him happy."
Finally, Maria's husband takes off his shoes. Due to a terrible childhood accident, he only has half of his right foot. Maria jumps up and runs back to her mother's room, shouting, "Mama, Mama..! He has a foot and a half..!"
Her mother gets up and announces, "Stand back, Maria -- this is a job for your Mama..!!.

 

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.
"Hey, show us yer breasts, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."
Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little *******, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"
Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?

 

Heres one of my favourite Harry Enfield characters, the insane moronic landlord/barman Les.

 

My ex girlfriend insulted me one day, she went in to a sex shop to buy a big dildo.
She said to the shopkeeper, " How much is that tartan one ".
And the shopkeeper said " **** off, that's my flask!!..

 

My missis lost her purse so in the Taxi she lifts her skirt up and shows the driver her ***** and says,"Can I pay with this?"
The Taxi driver looks at her and replies,"**** me love,have you nothing smaller?"

 

You wouldn't see a weather forecast like that with Michael Fish.

 

I once dated a lady who as a police officer at Barnsley Cop Oyl called Tina.. She was a sergeant. I stopped at her place one night, and in the morning she asked me if I wanted a cooked breakfast...i said, "Don't fry for me sergeant tina"

 

Just seen on someone's Facebook status, "GCSE rezults 2day rlly nervus."

Well I can tell you your ******* English grade now if you want Woop woop got 5As 3Bs and 2Cs I ******* love alphabet spaghetti ...

 

“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is please?”
“No sun”

 

Oh Dike.

https://www.thesun.co.uk/sport/19627298/west-brom-dike-dishwasher-tablets-clothes/

 

Comforting to know

 

A small boy got lost at a shopping centre, so he approached a uniformed security guard and said, "I've lost my granddad!"
"The guard asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,
"Gin and tonic and women with big tits."

 

Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one but after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police womans uniform, he finally decided if she can't hold down a fuckin job, she's not for him!!

 

My Mrs thinks he's quite dishy.