Made me laugh

Husband takes his wife to a nightclub. There’s a man on the dance floor, break dancing, moon walking, doing back flips and lots more.
The wife turns to her husband and says:

“see the man on the dance floor, 20 years ago, he proposed to me and I turned him down”.

The husband says “ it looks like he’s still celebrating”

 

Rich guy sits on a bench in the park. Another guy comes to sit on the other end of the bench. He's dishevelled, dirty, obviously a penniless down and out who hasn't eaten for some time.

The rich guy says to him " I have to ask you, what put you in this position? Gambling? Drink? Drugs?

The other guy turns to him and says "I left the immersion on"

 

A little boy asked his dad whats in between mums legs and he says "It's paradise my boy."
"Ok whats in between your legs" and he says "Its the key to paradise."
And the boy goes "Well you better get that lock changed because that ***** next door has a spare key."

 

Me and the wife were watching Telly. All of a sudden she did a Sharon Stone, crossing her legs slowly.
"Are you wearing crutchless knickers?"
"Yes I am,"she replied, smiling seductively.
"Thank **** for that," I replied. "I thought the stuffing was coming out of the settee."

 

All good jokes have an element of reality about them, you know, an Englishman, Scottish man and an Irishman walk into a pub,,,,,, an old lady goes to confession,,,,, these could actually happen,,,,,but a bus driver looking his mirror???? Come on!!!!

 

New incoming Cabinet

 

Could have sworn it was the League One referees’ pre-season seminar…..

 

Probably do a better job than the shower in Downing Street.

 

I thought the rain held off for her first speech.

 

This energy crisis is now beyond a joke! Our local Chinese resteraunt has had to close following a £12k electricity bill! Apparently they said they couldn’t turn off all the lights but they did dim sum!

 

A policeman comes to tell an Irish woman that her husband has drowned in a vat... at the Guinness brewery!!
"Did he suffer?" she asks,
The policeman replies "I don't think so... he got out 4 times to have a piss"

 

Took mi false teeth out last night and stuck em in our Gerts growler while she was asleep, and took a few pics....Showed mi mates at work today, they think i've had a meet and greet with Rylan Clark.

 

You know it..

 

Why is Billy Joel's laundry still wet?


He didn't start the dryer!

 

The bell ringer at the church dies and the vicar advertises the vacancy. A man turns up and says he’s interested but doesn’t have any experience. The vicar decides to give him a trial and they head for the bell tower. As they’re climbing the ladder the man trips, falls headfirst into the bell setting it ringing and falls to his death. The emergency services arrive and ask the vicar for the unfortunate man’s name. “I don’t know” says the vicar “but his face rings a bell”.
The vicar advertises the job again and a new candidate turns up exactly like the last man. He explains that the first man was his twin but he’d like the job. Again, no experience so best to give him a trial. As they’re climbing the ladder to the bell tower the man trips, falls headfirst into the bell setting it ringing and falls to his death.
The emergency services arrive and ask the vicar for the unfortunate man’s name. “I don’t know” says the vicar, “but he’s a dead ringer for his brother”.

 

After hearing of his Wife having a "nasty Accident" Paddy rushes to the Hospital
The doctor says
" Mr O'Shea ,your Wife is just regaining conciousness ,but I'm afraid she's Not fully CompusMentus?"
Paddy says, "Fully CompusMentus?
No Doctor”She's only "3rd Party , Fire and Theft"