Made me laugh

Thieves have stolen the toilet from our local cop shop.

Police have nothing to go on.

 

My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a really good Batman impression, so I said go on then. He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” and I said, “That’s Superman…”

“Thanks, man, ” he replied, “I’ve been practising it a lot.”

 

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. "That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"
The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller, Jesus."

 

Last neet i was trying to explain to my girlfriend that i sufferd from premature ejaculation......
........She took it on the chin

 

George and Mildred in bed Mildred starts feeling a bit fruity and snuggles up to George who immediately moves further away from her .
Undettered Mildred moves closer to him but George just moves away again so she moves up to him and in a demanding tone says George you know what I’m after don’t you .
Aye ses George your wanting all bloody bed

 

A security guard stopped me coming out of Tesco. He said, think you have a bottle of whisky in your jacket. Would you mind opening it.
Certainly I said. I hope you have a couple of nip glasses.

 

I've forgotten all my boomerang jokes, but I'm sure they'll come back to me.

 

Been in fhe Yorkshire Dales and had a lovely day at the Wensleydale Creamery in Hawes today. Talking to one of their staff, they are opening a new production facility in a small town in Northern Israel in a few weeks. Trading as Cheeses of Nazereth......

 

Two fleas in an airing cupboard which ones in the army...the one sat on the tank....


What's the similarity between Nottingham forest and a bottle of whisky.....



Brian Clough didn't quit until he got them both to the bottom ....


What do you call a Russian prostitute.....
.
.
.gerron yerbackyerbitch



How do you keep idiots in suspense
.
.
.
I will tell you later ....

 

I was at the doctor today regarding my high cholesterol. He said to cut out everything fatty.

I said what like bacon and sausages.

No he said. Cut out everything........... Fatty.

 

Took my son years ago to Wendy v Reds when we got there I realised the cheap tickets I’d bought were for the Kop end with all the Wendies .
Undeterred I walked into the ground and took my place .
After about ten minutes bloke at back of us rapped me on the shoulder and said I’ve been listening to you and your son and your bloody dingles aren’t you .
I never acknowledged the question but he went on and said if you don’t fetch me a bovril now I’ll let everyone know who you are.
I decided it was best to do as I asked and maybe I’d get to watch match after .
As I arose out of my sweat he said leave me your shoe to make sure you’ll come back I protested but after a short while decided to do as he asked .
When I came back with the bovril he handed me back my shoe and I noticed something in it and soon discovered that he and his mates ha all gobbed in it .
After half an hour had passed the Wendy tapped me on the shoulder again and whispered menacingly same again dingle off you pop and leave the shoe .
I did as I was asked and as I came back the same thing happened to my shoe .
The rest of the match was uneventful with the usual fluky win to the Wendy’s .
As we were walking out my son looked up at me and said that mester was really nasty weren’t he dad .
Yes son I said and if I hadnt done as he asked or if we had won the game him and his mates would have resorted to violence.
My son looked up at me again and in a sorrowful voice said when will violence at football matches between opposing fans end dad ?
I looked down on him and said well son while ever they are gobbling in our shoes and we’re pissing on their Bovril I suppose it will always be

 

Now this one is absolutely true. About 15 years ago my young lad used to do stewarding at Tannadice and Dens. Well on his first day at Dens he was told at the end of the game he'd have make a search of the stand looking for lost property. Well he found a mobile phone. He scrolled through the contacts and phoned "Mum". Woman answered. My young lad said your sons phone has been found at Dens and he can pick it up at reception. OK said the woman. A minute later the phone rang and the woman said. Hi son your phone has been found at Dens.

Yes they are a strange and funny lot across the road.

 

Police are searching for a mugger who threatens his victims with a lighted match; they want to catch him before he strikes again

 

A bear walks into a bar and says “Give me a whiskey and ...... cola.”

“Why the big pause?” asks the bartender. The bear shrugged. “ I’m not sure; I was born with them”

 

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The assistant replied, ' I'm afraid not, they're dead.'

 

Why did the chicken go to the seance?

To get to the other side

 

I was in Asda with the missus, and put a box Stella in trolley. "What you think your doing "? Asks the missus. "Its on offer, £10 for 24 cans" "Put them back we can't afford it" she said. A few aisles on she picks up £20 jar of face cream & puts it in trolley. "What you doing"? I said. "It makes my face look beautiful" she says.
I said , " So does 24 cans of Stella and it's half the ******* price.!

 

Our fuse box blew yesterday so my missus waited in for the guy to come and fix it.
“It’s all working now” she said, when she phoned me. “Ian did great job”.
“Ian?” I said “His name’s Jim”.
“Well that’s funny,” she replied, “it said ELECTRIC IAN on his van”.

 

I've often been told that I'm electric.

 

Shocking!