I was chatting up a gypsy bird in the pub last night, when she asked if i wanted to go back to her place and have a good time. She wasn't ******* kidding. I went on the waltzers, the dodgems, the ghost train. I even came home with a goldfish!
A woman on a rather rough Council estate phoned the council , as her lavatory would not flush . Duly a young man arrived at the front door in a Council van . A very polite young man .. 'Good morning madam ' he said cheerfully. 'I believe that your ablutions are malfunctioning/' She looked at the young man and said 'Can't you speak ******* English?' The young man was somewhat taken aback . So he took the Bull by the horns. 'I believe you have a **** house that won't work?' he said She looked at him and replied 'Oh yeah ! He's in the front room watching the Football . Do you want to see him?'
Man approaches woman in shopping arcade." Excuse me i can't find my wife, can i talk to you for a few minutes?" Woman say "Ok, but do you have any idea where your wife might be?" "Not a ******* clue but every time i talk to a woman with tits like yours, she appears out of ******* nowhere!!!!"
It reminds me of a few lines apparently in Paul Daniels book (not that I’ve read it ! Honest !!) He reminisces of a gig he did at the Baa Baa club in Barnsley many years ago before he became a tv celebratory. He mention a notice up in the Dressing room which read “ Will all Artists please refrain from asking the audience if they are enjoying themselves as this has caused unwarranted incidents “
3 blokes walked in the pub lastnight dressed in black socks,black shorts,black tops and each carrying a whistle. I said to my mate, “ it’s gonna kick off in a minute”.