Made me laugh

A bloke walks into a pet shop and sez to the owner. "Ok I want to buy a pet, but I don't want a boring normal pet, no cats, or dogs or budgies I want something different." The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede. "Really?" sez the bloke "How much?" The owner informs him that the talking centipede is £50. Happy with the unusual offering the man pays the money and takes his new pet home. On getting home he lays the match box with the centipede in it on the table, opens it and says, "Hello Mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few jars?" The centipede sez nowt. Figuring it must be tired from the journey he decides to leave it for an hour and try again later. An hour later he opens the match box and sez "Hello Mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few pints?" The centipede again sez nowt. Starting to get suspicious the man decides he will give it one more hour, and if the centipede doesn't talk he will take it back to the shop for a refund. An hour later bloke opens the match box and sez "Oyi does tha fancy going for a pint or what?" Centipede sez "Ffs, i heard thi ferst time!!! I'm putting mi fkin boooits on!"

 

Just got the results of my ancestry test back, I’m full English

 

Thats not quite as good as International Monkey tennis.

 

I went to a sex show last night and it was brilliant. One particular woman even managed to pull a rabbit out of her snatch.It really turned me on and at the end of the night I took her back to my flat.I bent her over my bed, put lube on her arse and lined my **** up with the hole.She immediately looked around at me and said, "Not up the arse, it will really hurt.""Don't be silly" I said, "I promise it won't hurt one bit."As I slipped it up I screamed, "****!!! What is that?!!"She said, "That's where I keep the ferret."

 

This is a story to inspire you to reach for your dreams and NEVER give up. Many years ago, my mate's missus came a close second in the Miss Wath competition. Later that year she was beset by a long period of bad luck. She suffered years of drug and alcohol abuse and a series of eating disorders. She lost a leg and needed facial reconstruction surgery after a severe road traffic accident. Later, she suffered 90% burns in an unprovoked acid attack. Several of her teeth were knocked out and an eye gouged in a fight outside a KFC Chicken Take-Away. The stress caused severe hair loss and facial warts. But she NEVER stopped believing. And then finally, last month, she was crowned Miss Mexborough 2022.'

 

If only eh,

 

Dave goes home from work, and goes upstairs to find his wife in the bath with nothing on . . . . . . No water in the bath and her toe stuck up the tap, "Bloody hell Beryl what have you been doing?" He says. "Ooh Dave, I was just messing about an I, ... I got my toe stuck". "Well look", He says, "I'll call a plumber and put my Bowler Hat over your most private part"!! The plumber arrives and takes one look and says, " Darling I can get your toe out of the tap, but I can do **** all for Acker Bilk

 

A bloke walks into a pet shop and sez to the owner. "Ok I want to buy a pet, but I don't want a boring normal pet, no cats, or dogs or budgies I want something different." The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede. "Really?" sez the bloke "How much?" The owner informs him that the talking centipede is £50. Happy with the unusual offering the man pays the money and takes his new pet home. On getting home he lays the match box with the centipede in it on the table, opens it and says, "Hello Mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few jars?" The centipede sez nowt. Figuring it must be tired from the journey he decides to leave it for an hour and try again later. An hour later he opens the match box and sez "Hello Mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few pints?" The centipede again sez nowt. Starting to get suspicious the man decides he will give it one more hour, and if the centipede doesn't talk he will take it back to the shop for a refund. An hour later bloke opens the match box and sez "Oyi does tha fancy going for a pint or what?" Centipede sez "Ffs, i heard thi ferst time!!! I'm putting mi fkin boooits on!"

 

Erm, it’s a good joke I’ll give you that, but you did post it on Thursday as well!!

 

My mrs who was from Mexborough came 2nd.
"Ouch wtf was that"

 

I blame memory loss due to old age lol

 

Why? Have you been forgetting things?

 

He can't remember lol.