Made me laugh

Not looking for sympathy…. Most of you won’t know this but, the past few months have been some of the hardest months of my life, and the most difficult time... Some days have been harder than others. .Many tears have flowed and many nights have been spent just trying to survive. i've had to make some incredibly hard decisions just to make it through, sadly now, after a long period of soul searching i have decided with great pain that the end has come. i can’t continue any longer like this as things are. It’s not a decision i have taken lightly but it’s been born out of necessity. Something had to change. So it’s with great sadness that I announce that yesterday after so many months of struggling and fighting the inevitable,..

I have decided to put the heating on...

 

BREAKING NEWS

Scotland’s 25 man squad for the Qatar World Cup.

 

In the sleepy village of Erbum, near the town of Tillet in Hertfordshire, lives a woman called Linda Lykes. She is the landlady of the local pub, The Cockwell inn. For some unknown reason, she gets embarrassed whenever she receives her post:

Linda Lykes
The Cockwell inn
Erbum
Tillet
Herts

 

Geordie goes with a prostitute from Wigan. Drops his pants gets his c*ck out & the lass says by thats a gud un. He says whats a gud un? She replys it means a big one. She drops her knickers & he says by thats a canny un, she says whats a canny un? He replys a big valley that cowboys ride through!!

 

Young priest stands in for father O'Reily while he's on holiday.
The old priest leaves a list of sins and penances.
After mass , a woman goes into the confessionary and says. "Forgive me Father for I have sinned"
"What is your sin , my daughter? "
"I stole £5 from the husband's wallet"
"Say three Hail Mary's and one Our Father and you'll get absolution."
Another woman comes in and says
"Forgive me Father for I have sinned"
The priest says, " What's your sin, my daughter?"
She says " I gave a total stranger a blow job ."
The priest looked down the list and can't find blow job so he goes out into the church and sees the cleaner sweeping up and says "what does Father O'Reily give for a blow job?" and she says....
"About £12.50 if I take me teeth out!!..

 

An 80 year old man is given a jar to provide a sperm sample for the doctor. He turns up 2 days later with an empty jar. The nurse asks "why no sperm sample". He says "sorry, I tried with my right hand then my left then my wife tried with both hands and then her mouth, at first with her teeth in and then without. Then we got Ethel from next door to try, but it was no good, we just can't get the fookin jar open!

 

Here's peter kay when you finally get to see him live in 2047

 

I went to a Mary Poppins theme restaurant this evening…

Super cauliflower cheese but the lobster was atrocious..

 

I was rubbing an old lamp earlier when a genie popped out and granted me a wish.
I asked him to make me irresistible to all women.
The ******* turned me into a pair of shoes.

 

This will be lost on most of you...

 

I was at a party recently and a gorgeous blonde walked up to me and says "I'd really like to have sex with you".
'I'm very sorry miss but I'm going to have to disappoint you" I replied.

So we went to a spare bedroom and had sex.

 

I recently entered a competition to see who’s gained the most weight and lost the most hair. Obviously it wasn’t called that, it was advertised as a ‘School Reunion’.

 

Lost on me. Care to explain it?

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Electric_Dylan_controversy

 

Dear Barnsley Community, I have obtained a set of Victoria Secret bra sets. They would make a great Christmas present. If they can send me a picture of their bosom, I’ll let you know if they fit.

Sincerely, Richard Puller.