Made me laugh

One night long ago a Viking called Rudolf the Red, was looking out of his window and he said it's gunner rain,

his Wife said how do you know,

Because Rudolf the Red knows Rain, dear

 

(C) Park Ayres.
Minus the sweary bits

Saw the original on twitter the other day.

 

Sweary bits eh?
I cut the sweary bits out of this, but it made it a contender for the worlds shortest poem, so I posted it all. Sorry in advance.
Happy Christmas

 

Why do kamikaze pilots wear crash helmets?

 

Err because obviously it’s a dangerous job

 

Does Santa really live in the north pole? Lets look at the evidence.

1. Wears red and white
2. Good at breaking into houses
3. Has loads of electrical goods that nobody can trace
4. Drives an unlicensed vehicle
5. Only does one day of work a year

Lapland my arse! He's from ******* Kendray

 

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Merry Christmas, from Stevie Wonder!!..

 

Nobody could do this better than Rik Mayall.

 

On their wedding night, young Diane says to new hubby, "If you don't remove your socks, I am not getting in bed at all."
Hubby is determined not to remove the socks. Diane argues he is perhaps kinky!
Hubby eventually gives in. "Alright," he says, "I have hid this from you all through our courting days, though. Look." Removing the socks, one foot is only half there!
"I lost it during an accident at work," he explains. "It embarrasses me."
Diane runs downstairs. Ever so upset, she telephones her Mum. Sobbing on the phone, she cries to her Mum, "He only has a foot and a half!"
Mother replies, "Hang on, young lady. You pack your bags and get back home, tell him I am on my way over!"

 

I left from work one Friday afternoon, but being payday, instead of going home, I stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending my entire hard earned pay.
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Finally I came home, Sunday Night, and was confronted by my very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting my actions.
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Finally she stopped the nagging and simply said, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
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Being a smart arse I replied. "That would be fine with me."
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Monday went by and I didn't see the wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
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Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where I could see her a little out of the corner of my left eye.

 

I walked into a pub with a pit bull terrier under my arm today. Do you serve Leeds fans in here? I asked. Of course we do, said the barman. Great, I replied, I'll have a pint for me and a Leeds fan for the dog.

 

Unbelievable. Still 10 weeks till Pancake Day and the shops are already selling milk, eggs and flour…

 

Steady down mate.
Was funnier when you last posted it. Dec.16th lol.

 

Well done Sherlock, i'd say 90 per cent of these post's are somebody else's material, this is for the one's not on twitter. So what do we do now Captain Obvious, quote a joke and tell everyone where it came from, or who told us it.

 

Not original?? How very dare you!!

 

.Two fish in a Tank, one says to the other, you Drive, i'll man the Guns, [ Tommy Cooper 1960's ]

 

No copy right on jokes most stories/ jokes are recycled from many years ago origins not noted and updated to situations prevalent to present circumstances...you tell an original joke and you can Guarantee someone will have either posted it on line or will be telling it later....when I was doing the clubs years ago I wrote some of my own stuff also paid a few folk to write for me ..only to hear other comics later down the line using my stuff claiming it as their own.....

 

**** me, calm down mate. It was an observation, not a criticism.

 

I said to my wife: "When I die I'd like to die having sex."
She replied: “At least it’ll be quick.”