Made me laugh

Wife says to husband. “I’d like to die having sex”
Husband says, “but that would really spoil Christmas!”
She replied, “don’t be silly, you don’t have to be there! “

 

I bought a Russian advent calendar for Christmas.
Every time I opened a window an oligarch fell out!

 

There were 10 Russian oligarchs on a window ledge...

 

.Why don't Chickens wear Underpants, cos it's Peckers on it's Head

 

The Annual Boxing Day dip at Dover went well
187 people went in. 875 came out.

 

Bonnie Tyler went around to the Stranglers house for Christmas dinner.

After dinner while having a cuppa one of the guys offers Bonnie an after eight.
She politely declines.

Another member of the band offers her a Quality Street.
No thank you she replies.

The drummer offers her some Roses.
Oh no I couldn’t.

The lead guitarist picks up the celebrations, Bonnie gestures not for her.

The guys get a bit brassed off and ask what the matter.

She reply’s in full song!!!
IM HOLDING OUT FOR A HERO.

All the band reply in melodic verse while holding up a blue empty tub.

NO MORE HEROES ANYMORE.

 

I was out with this girl and took her from behind over the bonnet of my car, the next thing she starts nodding her head
"Will you stop that, you look like A nodding dog, it's putting me right off!" I said.
"I can't help It" She Replied, "My scarfs tucked into my fecking fanny!!"

 

I've just got a job at a factory making plastic draculas.
There's only two of us and it's very busy. I have to make every second count.

 

Having had a few too many last neight, i asked the wife to tell me something that would make me feel happy and sad, at the same time.

She say's yer Penis is a lot bigger than yer Brother's

 

Well, time to write down my new year resolutions.This year i'm giving up:
1. Oral sex
2. Anal sex
3. Gang bangs
I think that's it... oh wait, just one more thing to write down...
4. Get out of prison !!!!

 

Blades fan, millwall fan and a Barnsley fan discuss who makes the best lover. blades fan says i get home from pub smear the wife in bacon fat and make love to wife like two pigs in a trough and i leave her floating 2" off bed. the millwall fan says thats nothing, i light scented candles in the room , pour the finest champagne all over the wife , lick it of her body make slow passionate love to her and leave her floating off the bed about 6". barnsley fan says thats **** all, i go te pub av reyt good session bart 15 pints of ale, stagger te kebab shop, av biggest kebab wi chilli sauce, get home jump on wife shagg her up arse, when I'm done i wipe **** on curtains and she hits the ******* roof !!!!!!!! Yooooooo reds

 

N/t

 

I hate Russian dolls… they're so full of themselves

 

Was shagging this woman over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!” . . .thinking back, I really should have legged it –
but you don’t get offers like that every day!!!

 

I was installing a light into the attic, and my foot went through the roof, scared the foook out of my ex wife, not surprised really the bitch threw me out last August.

 

The missis woke up in hospital after a vaginal tuck, to find 3 bunches of flowers on her window sill.
One from the surgeon " All went well".
One from me “Love you, get well soon".❤️
One from Dennis in the burns unit "Thanks for the new ears"

 

A 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back normal so the doctor says, "Harry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

Harry replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof!, the light goes on. When I'm done, poof!, the light goes off."

"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Harry's wife. "Mrs. White," he says, "Harry is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?"

"OH GOOD GRIEF!" Mrs. white exclaims,
"He's pissing in the fridge again!"