Made me laugh

Crazy lady. Probably a descendent of someone on here.

 

Gary Glitter, was looking to buy a Football Club, on hearing their Strikers were, Young, Bent, and Keane, hes submitted a bid.

 

The wife suggested we spice things up a bit and play doctors and nurses. So I put her on a trolley in the hall and ignored her for 48 hours.

 

Observations for oldies!
The Commandments for Seniors……
You don't need anger management. You need people to stop ticking you off.
Your people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for idiots that needs work.
"On time" is, when you get there.
Even duct tape can't fix stupid – but it does muffle the sound.
It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free...and three sizes smaller.
Lately, you've noticed people your age are so much older than you
"One for the road" means peeing before you leave the house.

 

FAO short people. Our planet needs you.

 

My four year old grandson can’t even say “please” in Spanish !

That’s por favor isn’t it ?

 

My friend was showing me his tool shed, and pointed to a ladder.
"That's my stepladder," he said."I never knew my real ladder."

 

Took me a while to get that

 

I ordered Chinese from a local place (won't name them) went to pick it up and as I was driving home, heard the bags rustling and moving!!!
I thought what on earth is that? Has something gotten into the bag?
I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out!!
I was driving so pulled over, I leaned forward, picked up the bag, put it on the passenger seat, and there it was again, more rustling and little eyes looking out behind the rice!

I thought, it's got to be a rat or a mouse or something, so I carefully pulled the bag down. And there it was...

A Peeking Duck!!

 

Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle
of the night next to some woman who was snoring and farting, so I
knew I made it home.

 

The new President of the United States was doing the rounds of international diplomacy. At the Vatican on the Pope’s desk he saw a golden telephone, hovering slightly in the air, complete with a halo round it.

“Is that what I think it is?” The President asked : the Pope confirmed it was. “Do you mind if I had a go?” asked the President. The Pope said yes and a fascinating conversation followed.

When it was finished the Pope said “And that will cost you 100,000 dollars; it is very long distance call.”

The same thing happened in Jerusalem, where another golden phone with a halo hovered above the desk. The Prime Minister of Israel happily allowed the call, and when it was over, said it would cost the President $100,000 dollars.

In England the President thought it right to call in and see the Archbishop of York, who also had a golden phone hovering with a halo round it. The President was keen to continue his conversation and as his call ended the Archbishop said “and that will cost you a hundred dollars”.

“How come it’s so cheap?” said the President, “everywhere else it’s been way more expensive”.
“You’re in Yorkshire now” said the Archbishop “for us it’s just a local call”.

 

The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex
video last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her
part.

 

I was at the airport when a distraught lady ran up to me screaming "please help me my husband has fainted onto the luggage carousel"
I ran over immediately and assessed the situation.
I put my hand on her shoulder and said " don't worry, he's slowly coming round"

 

In my act as a street magician, I line up women, blindfold them then rub their tits menacingly before running off. More fool them for trusting David Cop a Feel.

 

My wife, Judy, had been after me for several weeks to varnish the wooden seat on our toilet.
Finally, I got around to doing it while Judy was out. After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned.
She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet.

As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.
About that time, I got home and realized her predicament. We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts.

Judy wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital A n E.
The A n E Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.)
Judy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."

The Doctor replied,

"Actually, I've seen lots of them. I just never saw one mounted and framed."

 

One for Stephen Dawson,

Mam, i'm going out t;neight,

Your not leaving this house until you've changed that foookin mini skirt,

Whyyyyyyyyyyy

Because i can see your foookin BOLLOCK5, Stephen

 

• What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between you and me, something smells.

 

She can’t be a descendant of someone living..