Made me laugh

Only just heard of this.

https://fb.watch/iOeNylglJg/

 

I once sent a naked photo to everybody in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing, but it cost me a fortune in stamps.

 

I forgot to get our Gert a Valentines day card this year, but I made up for it on Pancake day..I even wrote her a poem. 'Roses are red and I love you to bits, Here, have a pancake, now show us thi tits.'

 

A bloke walks into a barnsley pub looking upset. His mate says Why 't long face"

He says the wifes expecting ageern. His mate says " has she got coil in".
To which he replies" got coil in, she 'asn't even bleeding weshed 't pots"

 

Here are a couple from David Sederis, the american humourist whose new series started on Radio 4 this eveing.

An elderly husband complains to his wife "Why do you always talk behind my back and push me around?"

"Because you are in a b****y wheelchair!".

An american couple are talking.

The wife says "I have heard thaty women in Las Vegas get $100 for sex. I think I'll go there."

The husband smiles and responds "I wonder how you are going to manage on $100 a year."

 

In my younger days I used to go out with an optician. Things were not going well and after a dinner date I tried to finish the relationship. However, every time I said that I couldn’t see her any more she would move a bit chose and said “How about now?”

Courtesy of Dermot O’Leary Radio 2.

 

I’ve been looking into the atheist society , it turns out it’s a non prophet organisation

 

Why do french people eat snails?

because they don't like fast food.

 

I was in bed with a blind girl last night & she said I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on!
I said "you're pulling my leg"

 

A bloke gets a job as a cleaner in a brothel, the Madame tells him,
"You don't get paid cash you get free sex" A few days later he goes to the Madame asks for payment. She sends him to one of the rooms with a beautiful whore with her tits out working herself up for him. Five minutes later he comes out and tells the Madame, "She would'nt let me have sex and told me to go in the corner and have a ****.

The Madame says, "Sorry forget to say you have to work a week in hand here!".

 

A burglar breaks into a house late at night. He has his little burglar flashlight and burglar bag. He goes into one room and puts a couple of things in his bag then moves to another room and puts a couple more things in his bag. Then from the dark behind him he hears a voice say, “Jesus is watching you”. He looks around and sees nothing and puts more in his bag. Then he hears the voice again say, “Jesus is watching you”. He shines his flashlight around and shines it on a parrot in a cage. He laughs and says, “was that you? what’s your name”. The parrot says, “my name is Moses”. The burglar laughs and says “who would name a parrot Moses”? About that time he hears a deep growl and the parrot says” the same one who named his Rottweiler Jesus”.

 

I lost the pub Quiz last night by one point.The last question was,Where do women have the curliest hair ?.Apparently the correct answer is Fiji.

 

A man is feeling terrible and goes to the doctor.
The doctor checks him over and says, 'Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus.

It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live.

There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth..'
So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.

Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.

They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins £35.
Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £320
Then he gets the full house and wins £5000.
Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting £780,000.

The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says,
'Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house and the national game on the same card..
You must be the luckiest ******* on Earth!'

'Lucky?' he screamed. 'Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24'.

'F**k me,' says the bingo caller. 'You've won the meat raffle as well !!

 

After 38 years of marriage it’s finally happened.
The mrs woke up to 12” this morning!

 

Wife says she’s leaving me because of my obsession with Horse Racing....

And shes off!!!!

 

Three kids were smoking behind the shed."My dad can blow smoke through his nose!" boasted the first."Ha, mine can blow smoke through this ears!" counted the second boy. "That's nothing," piped up the third. "My dad can blow smoke through his arse. I know, 'cos I've seen the nicotine stains on his boxers.