Made me laugh

A couple are driving home when they run over a badger, they get out and find It's still breathing and freezing cold,the husband tells her to put it between her legs to warm it up,the wife says but It's all wet and stinks,
the husband replies,well hold the ******* badgers nose then

 

Bob the builder goes up to a girl in a nightclub and says" I have an 8inch dick and can shag all night." After a few beers she takes Bob home with her. The next morning she says "You said you had and 8 inch dick and could last all night. Instead you have a 5 inch dick and lasted 3 minutes!" Bob replies "I'm a builder love. It was a ******* estimate!!!"..................

 

My son is taking part in a social experiment
He has to wear a Sheffield Wednesday top for 2 weeks to see how people react,
So far he has been spat at, punched, kicked and verbally abused,
It will be interesting to see what happens when he leaves the house.

 

Just in time for Paddy's day!!


Paddy & Mick find three grenades, so they decide to take them to a police station.
Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
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Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road. Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
Cop says "For God's sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!"
______________________________ __
Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, 'Not guilty.'
'That's grand!' shouted Reilly. 'Does that mean I can keep the money?'
______________________________ __
An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.
His wife says: "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"
The farmer does. Two weeks later the dog is still missing.
" What did you put in the paper? " his wife asks.
" Here boy " he replies.
______________________________ __
Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?

 

I see this Girl in a short skirt and no knickers standing at the top of the stairs on a London bus, and shouts down to the conductor "Is this Ealing?" he says "******* hell from where I’m standing it looks like it could do with a couple of stitches!!..

 

10 qualities of a perfect girlfriend:
1. Truthful
2. Intelligent
3. Gentle
4. Humble
5. Tolerant
6. Polite
7. Understanding
8. Sexy
9. Smart
10. Young
In short:- T.I.G.H.T.P.U.S.S.Y..............

 

3 parrots for sale at pet shop 1 £170, 1 £150 and 1 £10. Woman asks "why is that parrot so cheap?...."Shopkeeper replies "it used to live in a brothel." The woman finds it funny and buys it. She gets home and the parrot says **** ME! A new brothel......" The woman laughs....Her two daughters come home and the parrot says "**** ME!....New girls".... and they laugh. When her husband walks in, the parrot says **** ME ! kippa, long time no see....

 

“Your mother has been with us for 20 years,” said John. “Isn’t it time she got a place of her own?”

“My mother?” replied Helen. “I thought she was your mother.”

 

Little boy crying in Wath Tesco.

Man says "Are you lost?"

Boy says "Yes"

Man says "Whats your mummy like?"

Boy says "Big Willies and Bacardi Breezers!"

 

For sale. Shitroen Berlingo Multispaz 1.6 adhd. Done more miles than the space shuttle and MOTd till this afternoon. An absolute credit to its previous owner.... and I'm assuming the previous owner was Fred West - due to the amount of builders rubble and bloodstains in the boot. Only had one careful owner... and about nine that didn't give a ****, and at least one that kept chickens in it apparently. The battery is flatter than Amanda Holdens tits and the radio is stuck on BBC Asian network. The seats have seen more jizz stains than Jordans chin and the whole van has a faint whiff of carp, lobbies and sadness.. but at least one electric window works to let the smell and flies out, bonus eh. It starts and drives...... sometimes, although much like the pissed up pensioner that owns it, it's very loud, lumpy and coughs and farts for ages on cold mornings. Be warned... This car will categorically NOT start on a Monday for some reason. It has the factory fitted pedal extensions so short arses like Kev Oxby and the other six dwarves can drive snow white to Bargain Booze or Tanfastic. It is almost watertight as it appears Stevie Wonder sealed the sunroof shut with silicone and dog ****. Paintwork is duller than an Ed Sheeran gig and the tyres are balder than Glitters browsing history, but there's enough warning lights on the dash to make it feel like Christmas all year round. Free jump leads and tow rope thrown in. Make us an offer. May swap for a can of John Smith's or a signed pic of Roy Cropper.

 

Phone rings, Barnsley woman answers.

A pervert, with heavy breathing, says,

"I bet you have a tight lovely person with no hair?"

Woman replies, "Yes I do, he's watching football - who shall I say is calling?"

 

I can remember the days when Sheffield Wednesday were a HUGE football club....
Now its just a bank holiday in Attercliffe

 

Barnsley 4 Sheffield Wednesday 2.

 

bloke dies and his wife has him cremated. She brings his ashes home and tips them out on the table and starts talking to them. "Remember that new car you were going to get me?, well i bought one out of your insurance money. Remember the fur coat you promised me?, well i bought myself one out of your insurance money". Then she gets down close to the ashes and whispers, "Remember that blow job i promised you?, well here it comes".

 

I often wonder what happens to rock stars after their music careers end.
Just found out that Elvis Costello got a job at his local McVities factory as a security guard.
He’s watching the Digestives..

 

A teacher asked her class to talk to their parents about life events in their families that demonstrate a moral, for example, the early bird catches the worm.
Monday morning saw the class ready to begin and the teacher asked if anyone had any stories to share that had a moral to it. Johnny jumps to his feet waving both of his hands wildly. Johnny didn’t have a good reputation for telling stories that were appropriate for sharing in class so the teacher tried her best to ignore him. Mary put her hand up and the teacher called on her. She told a story of being sent out to collect eggs from the hens. She brought with her a single basket and after collecting all the eggs available, she headed back to show her mother how well she did, but she tripped on the way, falling on the basket and breaking all the eggs. The teacher asked what the moral of the story was. Mary said, don’t put all your eggs in one basket. This is a very good example, thanks you for sharing Mary. Anyone else have a story?

Johnny again is going wild trying to get the teacher’s attention. The teacher tries to ignore him, but no one else raises their hand to volunteer a story so the teacher has to relent and asked Johnny what was his story.
Johnny says his Aunt Sue was a fighter pilot. When she flew missions she always carried with her a gun with lots of ammo, a large knife and a bottle of whisky which she liked to drink flying back after the mission to celebrate. On this particular mission her plane was hit by an enemy missile. She had to eject and coming down with her parachute she worried about her bottle of whisky. What if it breaks when she lands? So, she drank the whole bottle. As she got closer to the ground, she sees 50 enemy soldiers with their rifles pointed at her. So, she begins shooting the soldiers and kills 40 of them before she ran out of ammo. Landing on the ground she pulled out her knife and killed the remaining 10 enemy soldiers.

The teacher was aghast. What possible life moral could you have from this terrible story?

Don’t mess with Aunt Sue if she’s been drinking replied Johnny.

 

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

 

My mate thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.