Made me laugh

Definitely needs a trim.

 

Suppository. (Oops predictive text. Supposedly)

 

Paddy is sitting on a train across from a blonde in a mini skirt. He soon realises she is commando. R u looking at my fanny she asks. Yes i'm very sorry says paddy. Its ok, she says its very talented you know.watch this i can make it blow u a kiss and wink at u. He stares in amazement as the fanny first blows him a kiss then winks at him. She says would u like to stick 2 fingers in it. . . . ? Fuckin hell he says - can it whistle as well.. . .

 

A man walks into a Chinese restaurant and the woman behind the counter says to him; "Whaa-cha-waww! !"
The man, assuming she is asking what he wants, replies "Sweet and Sour Chicken please." and leans against the wall.
The Chinese woman shouts; "No, you fecking iriot, I said Watch the Wall, it's just been painted!!''

 

The seven dwarves were in a mine when it collapsed. Snow white and some friends went to help out and feared everyone was dead, until they heard someone shout "SHEFFIELD WEDNESDAY ARE GOING TO WIN A PLAY OFF FINAL !!", to which snow white responded "Thank god!! at least DOPEY is still alive!!!"

 

The kamasutra contains 64 sexual positions.

The wife's position on all of them is... No...

 

This good price inflation is intolerable. I've started to buy tins of dog food for dinner. I was going down to Tesco's this morning to get a few tins and I nearly got ran over when I stopped in the middle of Grove Street to lick my ********.

 

I don't know if it's been mentioned already, but here's the tub of lard lanc Manc Shaun Ryder, the anti-footy fan lol.

 

Midget woman goes to the doctors and says "Doctor i've got an itchy fanny." He lifts up her skirt, gets some scissors and goes snip snip snip. He asks "Is that better?" "A bit better, but its still itchy." So the doctor lifts up her skirt again and snip snip snip snip." Is that better?" The doctor asks."Yes" replies the midget, "Fantastic doctor what did you do?" The doctor replies "I cut the fur off the top of your Ugg boots."!

 

A small boy walks into his mothers room and catches her topless. "Mommy, what are these?" he says, pointing to her breasts.
"Well, son," she says, "these are balloons, and when you die, they inflate and float you up to heaven."
Incredibly, he appears to believe this explanation and goes off quite satisfied.
Two days later while his mother is making tea, he rushes into the kitchen. "Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Mary is dying!"
What do you mean? says his mother.
"Well she's in the garden shed, lying on the floor. Both her balloons are out, Dad's blowing them up, and she keeps yelling 'God, I'm coming! I'm coming!!!'"

 

2 midgets have a cracking day punting on the races and decide to celebrate by going to the knock shop. They get there and each pick their lady of choice, both head upstairs and pass through the doors of neighbouring rooms. Midget one gets in there, gets his clothes off and despite all his efforts can't crack a chub. To make matters worse, he can hear his mate next door every few minutes saying "here I come again baby, 1, 2, 3... Urrghh".

Once their hour is up, they meet in the hallway. Midget 2 asks #1, "how'd you go?", Midget one replies forlornly, "I couldn't get it up". Midget 2 replies "you reckon that's bad, I couldn't even get on the fucken bed!".

 

I went to see a "medium" yesterday she studied my hand and said "you've been masturbating" I replied hey you're good, so what can you tell me about my future, she replied "with a face like that, you'll be doing it for a ******* long time mate"

 

_*Senior Sex --*_
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having
sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.

This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an _electric fence_.

 

Lol