Made me laugh

I was clearing out my late German Grandfather's wardrobe and decided to give all his old clothes to the local charity shop.

I handed over the bag of clothes to the shop assistant who was rummaging through it when a horrified expression formed on her face.

"How dare you bring this uniform in to my shop" she exclaimed angrily. "This is a symbol of pain, shame and humiliation."

Hugely embarrassed at this turn of events, I quickly took back the bag.

"I'm truly sorry" I said. "I had no idea he was a Sheffield Wednesday fan"

 

Can't believe it been and bought a brand new TV to watch the Premier league next season got it home and opened the box...No leads

 

3 things you should never do
1) ask a woman her age

2) A man his salary


3) Man City for their books from 2009 to 2018

 

I just bought a new tv for the new prem season.
Opened the box and ffs…….

Nae Leeds

Oops sorry Shed. Never noticed you telling the same joke. I just heard it in the pub this afternoon.

But it is worth repeating

 

Saw this one recently.......
Marrige is like a deck of cards, it starts with 2 hearts and a diamond...
20 yrs later ya wish ya had a club and a spade........

 

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perked up and said, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.'


'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman..'

'What a coincidence!' said the farmer.

As they clinked glasses he added, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different ****,' he replied.

The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, 'What a coincidence

 

Mick, from Dublin , appeared on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire and towards the end of the program, he had already won 500,000 euros.
"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"
"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"
"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?
a) Sparrow
b) Thrush,
c) Magpie,
d) Cuckoo?"
"I haven't got a clue." said Mick, ''So I'll use last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin .."
Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
"Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple it's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm fookin sure."
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go with cuckoo as my answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.
"Dat it is."
There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million euros!"
The next night, Mick went round to Paddy's to buy him a drink.
"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"
"Because he lives in a Fookin clock!"

 

That’s a disgusting racist joke,,,,,,,,,,, but while we’re on the subject,,,,,,,
Who wants to be a millionaire was being recorded in Dublin.
During the warm up, one contestant became really popular with the audience, his name was Paddy.
When it was his turn, his first question was:
What is the answer to the sum 1+1?
A. 1
B. 2
C.3
D.4
Paddy answers A- 1. Tarrant says “Oh I’m sorry Paddy, that’s the wrong answer. The crowd starts stamping their feet and shouting “ give him another chance, give him another chance “
Chris says it’s okay to give him another go because he’s so popular and the programmes recorded anyway. Ok Paddy, what’s the answer to the sum 1+1?
A. 1
B. 2
C.3
D. 4
Paddy answers B2
The crowd shouts “Give him another chance,,,”

 

Bono and The Edge walk into a bar and the barmaid says oh no not U2 again...

 

Went art last neight an our lass went to bed first, as i entered the bedroom she was masterbating with her lollypop and licking it,

R said steady on lass, you'll be needing that in the morning to see the kids across the road.

 

Wife bought me a record last week of mood music to help lower my stress levels.
It was all wasp sounds.
Next day feeling a little stressed out I put the record on. After listening for a minute or so I commented to wife it sounds nothing like wasps, she replies “You silly sod you’re playing the Bee side”

 

A pregnant Irish girl phones home "Mam oi tink me waters hav broke!!!!!!!" "Oh holy jaysus were ya ringing from??????" The girl replies "Oim ringing from me ***** ta ma fecking ankles!!!!!!!"

 

I'm not saying people in my area have bad teeth, but one woman just smiled in Wath Tesco and the barcode scanner picked it up as a set of saucepans!!..

 

Barnsley playoff disappointment softened by opening of new Tapas restaurant in town centre.

 

I don’t eat tapas. It takes ages to lick this many fingers!

 

Taken me nearly a week that one!