Made me laugh

Girl in a short skirt and no knickers at the top of the stairs on a London bus shouts down to the conductor "Is this Ealing?" he says "blimey love , from where i'm standing it looks like it could do with a couple of stitches!"

 

Bob the builder walks up to a girl in a Nite Club and says to her " I've got an eight inch dick and I can shag all night" After a couple of drinks, she takes him home with her. The next morning she says to him "You told me that you had an eight inch dick and that you could shag all night. Instead you've got a five inch dick and you lasted only 3 minutes" Bob looks up at her and says " I'm a builder love, that was just an estimate...

 

Rumour doing the rounds that Phillip schofield is returning to the west end to recreate his role in the show Joseph and the Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat
His agent says Phill is really looking forward to it and hopes he can at last put his problems of late to bed. The show opens in January with phill singing the hit song
Any Teen will Do....

 

How do you tell which clan a Scotsmen belongs to

If he lifts up his kilt and he's got a quarter pounder
He's a Mcdonald

 

Now then, thwow him to the floor, and don't tell my fwiend Biggus Dikkus about it.

 

A Man Whispers to a Woman at the Bar.
"I'd love to fill your Fanny with Stella Lager and then drink it all down slowly''
The shocked Woman runs over to her Husband and tells him.
''Aren't you goin to kick the ******* **** out of him''..??? She asks.
"No Way". he says.
''I'm not fighting any ******, that can drink that much Stella''....

 

Gets any warmer the lucky lucky men will be out …. hello sexy banana

 

Ben Miller here with his ridiculous 'imaginary family man' character. And Alex Armstrong's reaction, not knowing what to say or do.

 

Paddy and Mary decide to try a 69.
Paddy's never done one before so Mary says she'll show him.
She tells him to lie on the floor and squats over him.
As she lowers herself onto his face she farts, apologising she tries again but farts again.
Paddy jumps up and storms out yelling "I'll be buggered if i'm hanging around for 67 more of them"....

 

The teacher was telling the kids about the birds and the bees and she explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months later the stork usually brings them a little baby from its nest.
Little Gemma at the back of the class put her hand up and asks the teacher, "Are you sure about the stork, miss? I think you’re getting your birds mixed up 'cos my big sister just got a little baby and she said it was from a shag in Newcastle!!..

 

I had a load of Euros i needed to exchange, so I went to that currency exchange window in Tarn.
Just in front of me was an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated . . .
She asked the teller, 'Why it change?
Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen.
Today I get hunat eighty?
Why it change?'
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations' .
The Asian lady sez, 'And fluc you too' murra fucka.

 

Bet that takes some smoking

 

Apparently Barnsley are being linked with German Bundesliga coach Imnot Herferlong, currently part of Schalke staff……..bringing his back room staff Herr Today and Gunter Morrow.