Made me laugh

How do you get Pikachu onto a very busy train?

Pokémon.

 

Courtesy of Eyup & Down..

 

Here's one from SOTS this morning:

I got home yesterday to find that my bed had been stolen.

I not rest until I've got it back.

 

I asked the waitress for a quickie.

She slapped me hard and I was in shock.

I went to complain to the manager and he informed me it’s pronounced “quiche”

 

Male interviewer:
We’re looking for someone who can do the work of six men.

Female applicant:
That’s a shame, I was looking for a full time job!

 

Barnsley girl decides to drive home after the pub......crashes into a lamppost.... policeman turns up and says

"are you ok love?"

She says...

"My head hurts and I think I've broken my arm"

Policeman smelling alcohol on her breath says.

"How many fingers have I got up?"

Barnsley woman bursts into tears and screams

"GOD NO... I'M PARALYSED AS WELL!!"w

 

We really need to see more raw hardcore dangerous street Countdown lol. And as long as you wear thermals, you will be ok, when it gets a bit cold out there.

 

I said to the wife last night,"lets go out for the evening"she comes out with the old classic,"ive got nothing to wear"so i said," wear what you wore last time we went out,you looked lovely"......so there we was in the manvers arms,me in jeans and tee shirt,her in her ******* wedding dress!!!!

 

My friend's wife went into hospital for a vagina tuck. The operation was successful.
He went to see her the following day and there were two cards on her bedside table one was from her surgeon wishing her well
The other was from a guy in the burns unit thanking her for his new ears!!

 

Got thrown out of the chemists today. I only asked the woman behind the counter: "Do you take it up the arse, love, or do you swallow it?"
She went ******* mental. **** knows what I'm supposed to do with these suppositories now!

 

Thank god we left the EU or we’d be getting this heat too.

 

I heard a rumour that Barnsley are going to try and buy a couple of upcoming young Chinese players, We Won Wonce and How Long Sinse!!.. ......you got to laugh ain’t you

 

A barman is tidying up his almost empty pub when a well-dressed rabbit enters.
'Blimey' says the barman 'never had a rabbit in here before. What can I get you?'
'I'll have half a bitter and a cheese toasty for something to eat.'
The barman serves the rabbit and then watches as it eats, drinks and then leaves the pub.
Next day the rabbit is back and again orders a beer and a cheese toasty. The same ritual is observed by the barman again.
On the following day the rabbit is back yet again but after asking for beer and a cheese toasty is told there's no cheese.
'I can do you a ham toasty if you like' says the barman.
The rabbit thinks for a second then agrees to a beer and a ham toasty. He eats and drinks and then leaves the pub.
The following day the barman. and now several interested locals are expecting the talking, eating rabbit but there is no show. The rabbit doesn't show up the following day or the day after that.
One evening however when the barman is closing up and turning off the lights a strange rabbit-like apparition appears, floating in the air above the bar.
'Bloody hell,' says the barman 'You look like that rabbit that's been coming in my pub'.
'I am indeed that rabbit' says the ghostly apparition 'but I will not be coming to this place any more for I am dead'
The barman is shocked. 'Thats a shame. What killed you?'
The ghostly figure stares back at the proprietor accusingly. 'Mixing my toasties'

 

Beat this