Made me laugh

"Die doctor that's the last thing I shall do" is a quote attributed to former PM Lord Palmerston who died in 1865.

Is this the oldest joke on this thread.

It is older that some of mine.

 

A guy goes into a fancy Seafood restaurant and asks to see the 'live dishes' of the day ..
The Waiter leads him over to a large tank , and the man examines the fish ..
"I'll have the little green squid - the one in the corner with the hairy lip , please" , says the man ..
"O.K." replies the Waiter and calls out "Gervais!!"
A little French chef appears with a large knife , the Waiter instructs the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip ..
Gervais is just about to slice at the poor squid when he notices the sad look on its face ..
Gervais is touched , and admits that he hasn't the heart to kill the squid ..
"Not to worry" , says the Waiter , and calls out "Hans!!" , at which an enormous German bloke comes out of the kitchen ..
"Sir", says the Waiter, "this is Hans , our dishwasher .. Hans , kill that squid ...!"
The dishwasher catches the squid , and wielding a huge rolling pin is just about to bludgeon the little green fella with the hairy lip , when it cringes back and gives a little cry ..
"I am sorry sir , I just cannot kill the squid .." Hans admits , his lower lip trembling ..
"Well sir ," says the Waiter , "it just goes to show ..
{wait for it .......}
...that Hans that do dishes , can be soft as Gervais , With mild green , hairy lip squid .."

 

I would like to praise Barnsley & District General Hospital for their wit and honesty. I lost two fingers in a chainsaw accident last week. I asked the surgeon if I would be able to write with that hand.

Surgeon replied: "Maybe, but I wouldn’t count on it"...

 

They say the oldest are the best

 

Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing but it cost a fortune in stamps.

 

Too late, page 196.

 

Is this sort of comedy allowed these days lol.
Paul Whitehouse showing how good he is at accents and languages. And I like how they made the McScotch man have ginger hair and tash.

 

A dog goes into his local butchers, with a note in his mouth.He puts his paws on the counter and drops the note. It reads, “Two pieces of fillet steak please.”

The butcher turns his back on the dog and craftily cuts two pieces of cheap stewing steak and puts them on the scales.The dog is wise to the move and snarls at him so the butcher hurriedly replaces the stewing steak with fillet.

The following week, the dog returns with another note. It says, “Two piece of sirloin, please.” The butcher is wise to the dog’s knowledge of meat but doesn’t think that it can be that good at pricing meat.

The dog carefully drops a £20 note on the counter and the butcher says, “That’s fine…” but the dog angrily points to the price list on the far wall with his paw. Realising that he has been caught short changing the dog, the butcher puts the change in the dog’s purse.

A week later, the dog returns with a request for rib eye. This time, the butcher gives him the correct meat and at the advertised price. The dog leaves, wagging his tail.

The butcher is fascinated with what is going to happen next so he follows the dog out and watches as he gets on a bus with the butcher following. Nine stops later, the dog disembarks and trots of down a long, leafy avenue. He walks up to the door of a large house and presses the door bell with his nose.

A minute later, a bloke comes to the door, takes the meat and then starts to shout at the dog who hangs his head in shame. The butcher is fascinated and says, “You’ve got the most brilliant dog in the world and here you are screaming at him when he comes home. What on earth is up with you?”

The man throws his hands up in the air. “Brilliant? You call that brilliant? That’s the second time this week he’s forgotten his key and I’ve had to open the door for him.”

 

Betty had just got married, and being a traditional Barnsley Yorkshire lass, she was still a virgin.
On her wedding night, she stayed at her mother's house, and was very nervous.
Her mother reassured her:
"Don't worry Betty, Alf’s a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care
of you. Meanwhile, I'll be making Yorkshire pudding."
So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Alf took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest.
Betty ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mother”, Alf's got a big hairy chest."
"Don't worry, Betty,” says the mother, "All good men have hairy
chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Alf took off
his pants exposing his hairy legs.
Again, Betty ran downstairs to her mother, "Mother, Alf took off
his pants and he's got hairy legs!"
"Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Alf's a good man. Go
upstairs and he'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got there, Alf took off his socks and
on his left foot he was missing three toes.
When Betty saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mother, Alf's got a foot and a half!"
Her Mother said, "Stay here and beat the Yorkshire pudding mix"

 

A glasgow woman dialed 999.
"Ma waters have burst! send an ambulance!"
Operator says, "Where are you ringing fron madam?"......
"Fae ma fanny tae ma feet!"

 

A lamppost near me has gone missing, so I’ve sellotaped posters to all the local cats.

 

I remember as a child we had 8 brothers in the one bed ...a single bed me dad would tuck us in each night. ...with a ******* staple gun being one of the youngest in a room full of bed wetters I slept in the shallow end our room was so damp we set mouse traps and once caught a herring ! Me dad was a union rep and every bedtime story started with "once upon a time and a half" it really was cold in our house .the walls were so thin we could dip our stale bread in next doors gravy me mother had so many nappies in front of the fire we often had a rainbow in our lobby ....me dad used to tell us that ice cream man only played music when he'd run out of ice cream if me mother wasn't in the mecca bingo she was in the maternity ward . When the 11th child was born they'd ran out of names, me dad said " What shall we call it ?" Me mother said " i think we ought to call it quits" me dad's fault .he was a terrible pontoon playe. he never knew when to stick or twist!!..

 

A man goes into a doctor's office feeling a little ill.... The doctor checks him over and says, "Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus"

"It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live."

"There's no known cure, so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth.."

So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the sad news.

Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.

They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins £35.

Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £320.

Then he gets the full house and wins £5,000.

Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too, getting
£980,500.

The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says. "Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house and the national game on the same card. You must be the luckiest ******* on Earth!"

"Lucky?" He screamed. "Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24."

"Frig me!' Says the bingo caller. 'You've won the meat raffle as well!

 

Just put telly on to watch pointless….didn’t realise it was a documentary about Sheffield wed