Made me laugh

Outside the metrodome today a woman came up to me and asked if I wanted to join her Yoga class, only £100 a session! I said I can’t stretch to that!

 

Here’s one from Victoria Coren Mitchell.

“I’ve just come back from Bournemouth.”

“In Dorset?”

“Yes, I would recommend it to anyone.”

 

On our Honeymoon our Gert asked if I knew where her Clitoris & G spot were..... I said, "How the **** should I know? You packed the cases"

 

Sheffield law Courts Today....
INCREDIBLE STORY

A seven-year old boy was at the centre of a Sheffield Courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a Court ruling over who should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the Judge initially awarded custody to his Aunt
The boy surprised the Court when he proclaimed that his Aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her.
When the Judge then suggested that he live with his Grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family the Judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two adjournments to check legal references and to confer with the Child Welfare officials, the Judge granted temporary custody to Sheffield Wednesday, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone….

 

One morning while making breakfast, the old Barnsley bloke walked up to his wife and pinched her on her bum and said, "Tha' knows Lass, if tha' firmed this oop we could get rid of tha' girdle."
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence. The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "Tha' knows if tha' firmed these oop we could get rid tha' bra."
This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis.
With a death grip in place she said, "Tha' knows if tha' firmed this oop we could get rid of t'postman, t'gardener, t'milk-man and tha' brother."......

 

Lol

 

Two Men at the Airport.
"I Can't Find My Wife".
"I Can't Find Mine Either, What Does Yours Look Like?"
"She's 5'10" Tall, Blonde, Big Tits, Long Legs, Mini Skirt, Stockings, High Heels & A Boob Tube, What's Yours Look Like?"
"**** Her, We'll Look For Yours!"

 

little girl cuts her hand on the playground and runs crying to the teacher. She asks the teacher for a glass of cider."Why do you want a glass of cider?" the teacher asks."To take away the pain," sobs the little girl."What do you mean?" the teacher asks."Well," sobs the little girl. "I overheard my big sister say that whenever she has a ***** in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider."

 

Started ta get slightly cold nar shagga, can’t wait ta see council estate lasses cutting abart in these artside local corner shop, roll up int hand getting some cans’a Prime wi Universal Credit for Adooken, Kaiden, Sharuken, Brayden,and Amberleafden.

 

I just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?

 

In simple terms yes it should. However given we're dealing with humans...

Imagine person A marries person B and person C marries person D. Two marriages, four people as expected. However, person A divorces person B and marries person E. We've now got 3 weddings but only 5 people getting married rather than 6 assuming the stats only look at individuals.

 

Al gu tut fut of ar stairs.
Nice one lol.

 

Yeah I knew it was a fella. And imagine travelling round the world to go for a pint in the coach and horses, the mind boggles.

 

Made me laugh.