Made me laugh

After a heavy night at the pub, I was rudely awakened by my neighbour cutting his grass. Sod it I thought, he can mow around me.

 

Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.

Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband shouted , "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.

A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a ghost, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll Give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for! the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the ghost. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the ghost asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the ghost said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire,burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, ghost?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband.

"I'd do the same for you!" So the ghost and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon. The ghost was insatiable.

After about three hours of non-stop fun, the ghost looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

Really? Said the ghost

Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in ghosts???

 

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes.

 

Our lass just said we need to have a chat about my childish behaviour.

Like that's gonna happen during ******* conker season.....

 

This guy dies and his wife gets him cremated.

She takes the ashes home and lays them out on the table and starts talking to them.

"You know that iphone you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money.
You know the new car you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money."

Then she whispers, "You know that blow job I promised you?...
"Well, here it comes."

 

1. An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. The dentist said, "I think you have the wrong room." "You put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied. "Now you have to remove them."

 

Watching Barnet away !!

 

The government want longer sentences.

Surely they can do better than this!

 

one from SOTS this morning.

My wife has got a new job making chess pieces. I didn't see her at all last week.

She was on knights.

 

Maybe doing pawn on the side & polishing the bishops. You should check mate