Made me laugh

Two very elderly ladies were sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons when a young, gorgeous-looking bloke streaked past. One of the ladies had a stroke but the other couldn't reach!
N.B. Apologies as I don't normally do rude jokes.

 

Anybody want to chance it?

 

Doctor Doctor, I feel like I am a hotel.

May I ask how long you have felt like this?

Go ahead be my guest.

courtesy of a SOTS listener yesterday morning.

 

An elderly man in the USA rear-ended a guy driving an expensive European sports car.
Enraged, the guy hops out and confronts the old man.
He yells "Look what you did to my car! You're going to give me $10,000 right now or I'm going to beat you to a pulp!"

"Oh my…" the old man said nervously. "I don't have that kind of money. Let me call my son.” he said with hope. “He trains dolphins and he will know what to do."

"Dolphins!" the other driver huffed, while rolling his eyes.

The old man pulled out his phone, dialled his son, and just as his son answered, the irate man snatched the phone away from the old man.
"So, YOU'RE a dolphin trainer, huh?” The irate man yelled, “Well, your old man here just rear-ended my car and I need TEN GRAND right now, or I'm going to beat you AND your old man to a pulp!"

"I'll be there in 10 minutes." says the voice calmly on the other end.

Exactly 10 minutes later, a Jeep pulls up and a guy hops out and proceeds to pulverize the bully, leaving him in a heap on the side of the road.

When he finished, he walked over to his father and said,

"For the last time dad, I train Seals… Navy Seals. NOT dolphins!

 

I hired an Eastern European woman as my cleaner.

Took her 15 hours to hoover my house.


Turns out she is a Slovak.

 

When I told my daughter I could build a fully functioning motor car made entirely from spaghetti and lasagne sheets she laughed at me. Should have seen her face when I drove pasta.

 

All my friends laughed at me when I told them I'd become a comedian....... they're not laughing now!

 

Two cannibals caught and cooked a comedian but halfway through eating him one turned to the other and said 'does this taste funny to you?'

 

Tried to predict the punchline. Got Miami dolphins backline rolling up in mi head lol.

 

Two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says "Have you any idea how to drive this bloody thing?"

 

That is an old Bob Monkhouse joke.

 

When I was a young 'un my Dad caught me smoking. As a punishment he made me smoke 40 fags one after another. I never smoked again.
Just as well he never caught me having a w*nk, eh readers?

 

Certainly is!

 

Totally misunderstood this Pride Month thing, anybody want to buy some lions?

 

The Royal Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer
an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered
for Retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight
line between any Two points in his body.. The officer got to choose
what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top
of His head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and
walked out with a bonus of £72,000...
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be
measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked
Out with £96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief
Stoker who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied,
'From the tip of my penis to my testicles.'
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider,
explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two Officers had
received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along
with him providing the measure was taken by a Medical Officer.
The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to drop 'em,' which He did.
The Medical Officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's
penis and began to work back. Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed,
'Where Are your testicles?'
The Old Chief calmly replied, ' The Falkland Islands

 

A man had two of the best tickets for the Champion League Final. As he sat down, another man came along and asked if anyone was sitting in the seat next to him.
"No", he said, "the seat is empty."
"That's incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Champion's League Final, the biggest sporting event of the year, and not use it?" He said, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away.
This is the first Final we haven't been to together since we got married."
"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that.
That's terrible.
I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?" The man shakes his head...
"No. They're all at the funeral."

 

Turn any sofa into a sofa bed by telling your wife to calm down