Made me laugh

https://images.app.goo.gl/ZsxPjo89dA8Socz57
"And what kind of business are you in?"

 

The Pope was having a shower. Although he's very strict about celibacy, he occasionally felt he needed to exercise the papal wrist, and this happened to be one of those occasions. Just as he reached the Papal climax, he saw a photographer taking a picture of the Holy semen flying through the air. "Hold on a minute!" said the Pope, You can't do that - you'll destroy the reputation of the Church!". "This is my lottery win", said the photographer, "I'll be financially secure for life with these photos!" So, the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer, and after much negotiation, they eventually settled on a figure of $2,000,000. The Pope clothed himself and headed off to destroy the images on the camera. Along the vast Vatican hallways, he bumped into his personal housekeeper. Being a bit of a photography buff, she noticed the camera and said, "That looks like a really expensive digital SLR camera, how much did it cost you?" Not being one to lie, the Pope replied, "Two million Dollars.." "TWO MILLION Dollars!" replied the housekeeper, they must have seen you coming!!!!!

 

It takes me 10 minutes to walk to the pub.
It takes me half an hour to walk back.

The difference is staggering.

I take my dog swimming in the sea. He enjoys it and floats very well. He's a good boy.

 

The Husband was a bit embarrassed and told the Doctor he had trouble getting an Erection with his Wife and she was getting frustrated.
The Doc checked the man's blood pressure and other vitals, then after a thorough examination said he wanted to check with the Wife.
He took Her to another cubicle and asked her to disrobe.
Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly.
She did as instructed.
He then told her to raise her arms above her head, then bend over, touch her toes and cough..??
Finally he said,
"OK, good. You can get dressed now and I will go talk to your Husband."
The Doctor went back to the other cubicle and said to the Husband,
"Well Bill, you can relax, there is nothing wrong with you. Cos, I couldn't get an Erection either."

 

A few years ago I invented the cold air balloon.

It never really took off.

 

Just arrived home after seeing a good friend take his last breath, I was honoured to have been there at the end. This was a man when had dodged a snipers bullet in the Falklands, had survived many armed patrols in Northern Ireland. A man who had walked away from a high speed motorbike crash. At the hospital, just before he went, he beckoned me toward him, he couldn't speak due to the pipes and tubes so I moved closer as he pointed at his mouth. I said I didn't know what he wanted and asked if he could write, he nodded vigorously so I passed him some paper from his bedside cabinet and took the pen from my pocket. Unfortunately, as he was writing, he stopped, the machine that he was attached to started to make that ominous monotone that tells you its all over. The paper dropped from his hand as the nurses rushed in and tried in vain to revive him but all to no avail, he now knew all the answers to all the questions ever asked, including the ultimate. I returned to my car in the carpark with heavy heart, trying to avoid looking into the faces of the mixed patients, visitors and hospital workers. I got to the bike without breaking up, and, as I fumbled for my keys I rediscovered the note from the recently deceased. By now it was all crumpled up so I attempted to iron it out on the car dashboard. It just looked gibberish so I returned it to my coat pocket. I have now got home and was about to throw it away but the though hit me, it might be some sort of final message with hidden importance, there are no spaces between the words, it just appears to be a jumble of letters. I decided to share it here to see if anyone could decipher it, I never was any good at anagrams or conundrums so here it is in its entirety (I'm not sure whether or not he finished before he shuffled from our mortal coil ) it says:

"GETOFFMYFUCKINGOXYGENPIPEYOUFATCU"

 

Well, as election time is nearly upon us and tough decisions need to be made, I thought I would thumb through the mass of leaflets that come through my letterbox daily to help influence which choice I will make to ensure I pick wisely.
It looks like 'Mezza Pizza' in Mexborough are the best value for money!

 

Sun's out at caravan so time to get the 25 piece patio set out.
Sun lounger & 24 cans.

 

A captain was inspecting his ship when he found a woman hiding in a lifeboat. She pleaded with him not to arrest her because a sailor had sneaked her aboard. "I met him at Southampton docks," she says. "I was feeling depressed and about to throw myself into the sea, but he offered to take me to Australia. He said that it would be a long voyage and there would be lots of stops, but as long as I stayed out of sight he would bring me food. In return, I've been giving him sex. So he's just been screwing me."
"He certainly has," said the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight ferry."

 

Father’s Day on Sunday.

 

In a similar vein, a Vietnamese, a Chinese, a Malaysian, a Cambodian and a Laotian go to a smart restaurant and ask for a table. “I’m sorry” says the maitre d, “you’re not allowed in without a Thai”.

 

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling famished he sat down and had a skem at the menu.
*Grilled Tourist: £5.00
*Boiled Missionary: £10.00
*Barbequed Explorer: £15.00
*Baked Labour or Conservatives: £100.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a high price for politicians?" The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They are so full of ***** that it takes all day!"

 

‪Sex with my Missis is like the “England Euro squad “‬
‪neither of us know why we're there or what we're doing, there's little passion or communication and we rarely even make it past the first stage.‬
‪It's often accompanied by lots of unnecessary noise, horrible dribbling and never a clean sheet.‬
‪It's always over far too quickly and when it does end we know it'll be at least another 4 years before it happens again.‬