Made me laugh

Couple of christmases ago my wife bought me a book of funny football quotes. There were the usual ones but the two that stuck in my mind were:

"My Parents have always been there for me...ever since I was about 6 or 7" (David Beckham)

"Good. Get him back on and tell him he's called Pele." (Stranraer manager on being told his striker had concussion and had forgotten who he was)

 

I walked past two gay blokes the other day. They were sat on a bench telling each other bad jokes. They were also munching on loads of wotsits and quavers. Obviously, cheesy puffs.

 

If anyone wants leaflets about the treatment of hemorrhoids ..I've got piles.

 

A man goes to the doctor with a piece of lettuce dangling from his rectum.
"That looks nasty," says the doctor.
"Nasty?" the man says. "That's just the tip of the iceberg."

 

The missus asked me what I was doing on the computer.
I said I was looking for cheap flights.

She got all excited which is strange as she's never shown any interest in Darts before.

 

Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them. They said it would be like winning the Lottery. To be fair they were right, we had six matching balls.

 

My teacher told me I'd be no good at poetry due to my dyslexia, but so far I've made three jugs and a vase so **** you Mr McPherson

 

Three Scousers and three Mancs are travelling by train to a football match in London At the station, the three Mancs each buy a ticket and watch as the three Scousers buy just one ticket between them.
"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Mancs.
"Watch and learn," answers one of the Scousers.

They all board the train. The Mancs take their respective seats but all three Scousers cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor arrives to collect the tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Mancs are mightily impressed by this, so after the game, they decide to copy the Scousers on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip...To their astonishment, the Scousers don’t buy a ticket at all !!
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Mancunian.
"Watch and learn..." says one Scouser.

When they board the train the three Mancs cram into a toilet and soon after the three Scousers pile into another nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the Scousers leaves the toilet and sneaks across to the toilet where the Mancs are hiding.

He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please..."

 

Sam Winall goes to sperm bank,

Receptionist sez it looks like you might want a hand Sam,

Sam sez why would i need an hand,

Receptionist sez it says on records, ya a useless ******

 

stretcher for kieffer

 

A true but funny story. Over 30 years ago a workmate went for a vasectomy. Went to the hospital to register and the receptionist handed him a bottle and asked if he could give a sample. Off he went but was a little longer than expected. Receptionist knocked on the door and asked " are you alright Mr Armstrong?" Aye ok he said I'll be out in a minute. Came out and handed the bottle to the receptionist who said. "It was actually urine we were wanting"

 

A man walks into a pet shop and approaches the assistant.I'd like to buy a wasp please' he says.
'Sorry sir we don't sell wasps.'
'Yes you do, I've just seen one in your window'.