Made me laugh

Went art again last neight, had these two birds feighting over me,

I had to phone 999, she said whats yer Emergency

R said, the fookin fat ones WINNING

 

I was single 17 years old and here I was .. shagging this married woman on her kitchen table when we heard a noise .. Panicking she shouts God its my husband.. quick.. use the back door.....

Now I know I should have run... but . At 17 I thought what an opportunity .. What an offer....
So I turned her around

 

Sat in a cafe, Liverpool city centre, thought id seen my first real live Cape Crusader,

Then the Barber, shouted cum back ya little fuka, i need paying

 

Once sat in the barbers and the gay barber said... Oooh ello luv .. What du you fancy... A little trim round the back.... Maybe

I replied no il have my hair cut in the shop like the rest of em thank you

 

Walked in to a butchers in Liverpool and a sign read
pork pies 75p... w. anks 5 quid

So I says to the scouse bird . Who does the w anks
She replied I do
So I says that's nice

Can you go and wash your hands luv I want a pie

 

Went art last neight met this lovely German bird, anyhow i like to be marked out of ten for my sexual prowess

Took her doggy style and it slipped into wrong oil, shes shouting NEIN, NEIN, NEIN,

I thought fook me best score by a mile

 

Talking to mi Chineese neighbour this afternoon, he sez, im opening a crows shop,

r sed speaking slowly u mean a Clothes shop,

e sez no a crows shop cum and av a ROOK

 

Mate came rarnd last neight and told me he'd set mi up on a blind date, only problem was she was expecting a baby.

I felt like a reight **** sat in pub wi only mi Nappy on.

 

Young Nudger laid in Hostpital bed wi an oxygen mask on, sez to nurse in MUFFLED voice r mi TESTICLES BLACK,

Lifting up his gown the Nurse fondles his testicles and sez evrything's gud Mr Nudger,

Young Nudger removes the mask and sez that was very nice Nurse, but r mi TEST RESULTS BACK

 

That's in Harrogate, or is there another one somewhere?

 

Saudi Arabia do not like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.

 

Just got in called at chippy on way home, asked for a bag a chips, she said does tha want owt else on thi chips,

R sed, will it cost ought, she sed r 10pence

R sed, alreight ill av 4 sausages an a fukin pie then

 

Young Nudger and Marlon on a cruise,

Marlon sez its fukin quiet on deck t'neight Nudger.

Young Nudger sez r they'll all be watching band.

Marlon sez r dint know there was a band on t'neight,

R there must be i heard somebody on tannoy shartin A BAND ON SHIP, A BAND ON SHIP

 

Cant fukin believe it had a woman stood at door t'day for a fukin hour, explaining Benefits of Brown Bread.

Fukin HOVIS WITNESSES

 

Arabian Ian watching Babestation, giz em a ring,

Hi there caller, whats your name Sexy,

Ian, my name is Ian,

ooooo, i love that name Ian, what would you like me to do t'neight,

Fukin move, mi wifes coming darnstairs and i cant find the fukin remote

 

Marlons Missus sez hey honey can i av 5,ooo parnd for a Gastric Band,

Can you fuk he sez, tha can av a fiver, and well get a fukin padlock for fridge.

 

TonyTyke phones Chronicle ads and asks em how much for an ad,

She sez 50pence an inch, He sez no i cant afford it.

She sez wot tha selling, He sez a 30 FOOT LADDER

 

Went darn to Asda this afternoon, sez to assistant do you carry shopping art to peoples car's,

He sez corse we do sir evry little helps, and off we trot to me car in the pouring rain, r said i cud'av carried it misen but im a lazy ****,

I gathered that sir, and duly passed me mi MARS BAR

 

Met this bird from Donny, talking abart her wedding, r sez hes gunna stick his pride n joy where tha piss's

She sez shut the fuk up r's he gunna get his Tranny Van in the fukin SINK

 

Just got back from gym, just witnessed the funniest thing ever,

Some fukin idiot put a water bottle in the PRINGLE'S holder on the fukin Treadmill