Made me laugh

Man walked into a bar
OUCH!

 

My mate just walked out of his job in a helium factory, because he didn't like the way people spoke to him.

 

I was hanging on, holding onto the ledge of the cliff I had slipped down when my would be rescuer said to me "Whatever you do don't look down!".....so I smiled.

 

The vet said to me me “I’m going to have to put your dog down”
I asked “Why, what’s wrong with him?”
He said “He’s heavy”

 

I went shopping today to buy some camouflage trousers but couldn't find any.

 

Barnsley bloke asked a sculptor to make him a gold statue of his late dog.
"Eighteen carot Sir?"

"Nah, chewing a bone please"

 

Three soldiers including one from Barnsley who had passed all the previous courses to join the SAS were asked to attend a final selection process at their Hereford headquarters and to bring their partners.
Each applicant and their spouse were asked to wait in separate waiting rooms and that when commanded each soldier had to enter the commanders office .
First soldier was called in and the commander informed him that their was nothing between the applicants and that they were looking for someone who would go that extra mile and is able to make extraordinary self sacrifice .
At this point he was handed a loaded pistol and asked if he could shoot his partner ,that the SAS would cover up the deed and he would be accepted into his dream regiment.
The soldier took the pistol and entered the room where his spouse was waiting .
He immediately began crying and told the commander he couldn’t go through with it.
The commander told him it was ok and that in actual fact the pistol was loaded with blank bullets and that they would never really expect him to go through with it but wanted to see his reactions when under pressure
.
The same process was applied to the second soldier with similar results .
Then it was the turn of the soldier from Barnsley.
He took the gun from the commander then went back in to the waiting room where his partner was and closed the door .
The commander heard six clicks then an almighty rumpus and rushed in to the waiting room and asked the Barnsley soldier just what the hell was going on
The Barnsley soldier replied “ Sir someone in your ranks cocked up and put blanks in the pistol so I’ve had to strangle her”

 

A burly, good looking Roman God meets a lass in a nightclub. Shags her senseless for three hours with barely an introduction.

After a ***, he sez to her "Pleased to meet you, I'm Thor"

She replies " You're Thor??? I'm tho thor I've lotht all feeling in my fanny"

 

Barnsley bloke takes his cat to the vets to be neutered.
Vet asks, "Is it a Tom?"
"No", replies the man, "He's here in the basket".

 

I got caught stealing a small kitchen appliance from my local store today. Felt it was a whisk I had to take.

 

My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow

 

'Roman' God?

 

A pregnant Dundee lassie phones for an ambulance.
Operator asks whats wrong.. I'm pregnant says the girl.
You canna get an ambulance coz your pregnant says the operator.
But ma waters burst says the girl. Right thats different says the operator. So whar are you ringing fae.

Fae ma fanny tae ma feet says the girl.

 

Apologies mate - Norse God
Or have I offended you cos it was one of your wrestling names?

 

No, I do believe his wrestling name was Love God

 

Why does Dr Pepper only come in a bottle?


His wife died.

 

All my friends keep saying that my new girlfriend is imaginary.
The joke’s on them, so are they

 

I bought some shoes off of a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been trippin' all day.

 

More snow on the way. It looks like we’re in for a bad spell of whether.

 

A bloke sat in his front garden see's a big group of people running down the street
"whats happening" he shouts to one of the stragglers
"haven't you heard, a lion has escaped from the zoo" replies one of the group
"which way is it going" the bloke asks
"well were not fvcking chasing it"...