Made me laugh

Discussion in 'Bulletin Board' started by Connor, Feb 25, 2018.

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  1. Sim

    Simon De Montforte Well-Known Member

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    I don't think I've got the job at Microsoft. They haven't replied to my telegram yet
     
    Simon De Montforte, Mar 26, 2019
    #861
  2. Winker

    Winker Well-Known Member

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    Young Nudger, Marlon and Connor, tek wives art for a coffee,

    Marlon looks over at their lass and sez,can you pass me the Sugar, Sugar

    Connor looks at his missus and sez, could you pass the Honey, Honey

    Young Nudger, thinks how romantic and sweet the other guys are and tenderly looks across at his missus and sez, pass's the Milk ya fat Cow.
     
    Winker, Mar 26, 2019
    #862
  3. Marlon

    Marlon Well-Known Member

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    Bloke late for work
    Gaffer said what’s up no alarm clock
    Bloke said oh aye but it takes me ages to get out of bed
    Why’s that says gaffer
    Alarm plays hokey kokey
     
    Marlon, Mar 26, 2019
    #863
    Simon De Montforte likes this.
  4. MarioKempes

    MarioKempes Well-Known Member

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    A bloke walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia. The Librarian says "They're right behind you"
     
    MarioKempes, Mar 26, 2019
    #864
    nezbfc, JamDrop, TitusMagee and 4 others like this.
  5. MarioKempes

    MarioKempes Well-Known Member

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    What do you say about an Italian chef when they have died? They've pasta way.
     
    MarioKempes, Mar 26, 2019
    #865
  6. Das

    Dassett tyke Active Member

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    Sat next to an insurance salesman at a Robbie Williams concert last night, and through it all he offered me protection.
     
    Dassett tyke, Mar 26, 2019
    #866
    TitusMagee, Simon De Montforte, Baka and 1 other person like this.
  7. Cow

    Cowboy Well-Known Member

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    What's the difference between Young Nudger and a battery?


    A battery only has one negative post.:mad:
     
    Cowboy, Mar 27, 2019
    #867
    TitusMagee, WorsbroughTyke44, arabian_ian and 2 others like this.
  8. Donny Red

    Donny Red Well-Known Member

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    Really tickled with a contestants reply in yesterday's edition of Pointless.
    He opted to answer the question " who is the Commisioner of the Metropolitan
    Police force in London."? The answer is of course "Cressida Dick."
    How Alexander Armstrong and Rishard Osmond managed not to fall about laughing
    was amazing when the contestant answered " CARESSA DICK." Absolutely priceless.
     
    Donny Red, Mar 27, 2019
    #868
    Connor and arabian_ian like this.
  9. MarioKempes

    MarioKempes Well-Known Member

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    This morning on the way to work I wasn't really paying attention and I drove into the back of a car at some traffic lights. The driver got out and it turned out that he was a dwarf.

    He said, "I'm not happy." "Well, which one are you then?" I replied.
     
    MarioKempes, Mar 27, 2019
    #869
    retired red, Donny Red and Connor like this.
  10. arabian_ian

    arabian_ian Well-Known Member

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    Heightism. Not acceptable. ;)
     
    Last edited: Mar 27, 2019
    arabian_ian, Mar 27, 2019
    #870
  11. MarioKempes

    MarioKempes Well-Known Member

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    Just wait for my joke about an Irishman, a Jew and a Mexican. :)
     
    MarioKempes, Mar 27, 2019
    #871
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  12. Donny Red

    Donny Red Well-Known Member

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    Is the joke regarding the Jew MK, the one about the guy who went to the Synagogue on the Feast of the Circumcision.?
    Unfortunately poor lad had his pullover pinched.!!!!
     
    Donny Red, Mar 27, 2019
    #872
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  13. Donny Red

    Donny Red Well-Known Member

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    In the mid eighties, world famous Flat jockey Lester Piggott recieved a custodial sentence
    on a charge of fraud and avoiding Income Tax. Lester has a speech impediment and is very
    shy when it comes to interacting with fellow humans. To his disappointment, after reception and being searched,
    he was given his prison clothes and was banged up with a real hard nut who hailed from Bellshill
    which is south of Glasgow. No sooner had the cell door slammed shut. Jock fixed him
    with a steely glare and said " nice to meet you Lester. Let me be clear from the outset, we play
    games in this cell." A rather timid Lester enquired " what games do we play."? To which Jock replied "
    we can either play Doctors and Nurses, or Mummy and Daddy and being a fair minded bloke, you can
    pick who you want to be." The guy was circa 6' 6" tall and very muscular and Lester thought if they played
    Doctors and Nurses it was bound to involve blood- HIS. He deduced that Jock weighed around 17 stone,
    therefore he made his choice and said " if it's OK with you I will be Daddy." Jock replied " nay bother Lester.
    Right your first task is to come over here and suck your Mothers Di"k."
     
    Donny Red, Mar 28, 2019
    #873
  14. Con

    Connor Well-Known Member

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    Two Mexicans starving in a desert, one looks ahead and sees a tree with Bacon on it. He runs off saying we are saved, and then he is shot. His friend reaches him as says gringo what happened . The stricken man looks up and says alas Gringo it wasn't a Bacon Tree it was a Hambush
     
    Connor, Mar 31, 2019
    #874
  15. thetykester

    thetykester Well-Known Member

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    Sister Mary goes into a pub & sits near the dart board, bloke thows a double top then throws another double top, third dart bounces out of board hits sister Mary in temple & drops dead, bloke shouts one nun dead n eighty
     
    thetykester, Mar 31, 2019
    #875
    TitusMagee, Connor, WorsbroughTyke44 and 1 other person like this.
  16. Con

    Connor Well-Known Member

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    FE9AC109-0341-4FD6-9DF6-FF8F2B8FF921.jpeg
     
    Connor, Apr 2, 2019
    #876
  17. Con

    Connor Well-Known Member

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    D624F3B8-E8A1-46EB-931F-60223D64C24E.jpeg
     
    Connor, Apr 2, 2019
    #877
    MarioKempes, Old Goat, DSLRed and 1 other person like this.
  18. Met

    Metatarsal Well-Known Member

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    The drummer in our band has just become a father to twin girls.

    He's called them Anna 1 and Anna 2
     
    Metatarsal, Apr 3, 2019
    #878
    MrsHallsToffeerolls, shed131, Exile and 1 other person like this.
  19. RedStriker

    RedStriker Well-Known Member

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    Bloke walks into a dentist. Goes up to reception.
    "Can I make an appointment please"
    "2:30?"
    "Of course it f**king does!!"

    I'll just get mi coit.....ok?
     
    RedStriker, Apr 4, 2019
    #879
  20. Spa

    Sparkfield red Well-Known Member

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    08653E53-3A8D-4D68-B395-0654FBB31A1E.jpeg I
     
    Sparkfield red, Apr 4, 2019
    #880
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