Made me laugh

I

 

at least we know we chansiri sold the ground to

 

I tuned in to the tv last night trying to find a live footy match but on the BBC it was a documentary about beds and bedding, on ITV a real life detective programme 'under cover' and on Channel 4 the old film 'Pillow Talk'.
Talk about blanket coverage!

 

Bloke goes into the Job Centre in Barnsley and sees a job advertised at £25,000 p.a. for a "Fanny Waxer".
He asks the advisor what the job entails and he says, "There's full on the job training, you have to moisturise and massage the fanny first so that the follicles become softer and more easily removed, Then you apply the wax, let it set and pull it away."
Bloke says, "That sounds like a fantastic opportunity, can I apply?"
Advisor says "Yes, but you'll have to go to Sheffield"
Bloke says, "I thought the job was in Barnsley!"
Advisor replies, "It is but that's where the back of the queue is"

 

This bloke in Thailand pulls these three stunners, " we love you long time. you think you win lottery with a night with us"

Got back to room, fukin lottery or eight, thi dropped thi skirts, 6 matching balls.

 

A toilet valued at £1m has been stolen from Blenheim Palace.

Police say they have nothing to go on.

 

A man wakes up in a hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and the paramedics couldn't find it.”

The man groans, but the doctor goes on… "You do have £9,000 in insurance compensation coming though, and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly £1,000 an inch.

The man perks up. So, the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now, she might be a bit uncomfortable. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. I'll give you the night to consider your options."

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?”

"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?”

"Yes," says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting a new kitchen.''

 

An American woman goes to England to attend a two-week, company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers: "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"
The husband laughs and says, "An English girl."
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks, "So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good, thank you."
"And, what happened to my present?"
"Which present?" She asked?
"The one I asked for, the English girl!"
"Oh, that" she said, "Well, I did what I could; now we have to wait a few months to see if it is a girl!"

 

My son came home from school over come with joy.

“Daddy daddy, the teacher asked a question today and I was the only one who could answer it”.

Me all proud “well done lad, what did she ask?”.

He replied “who’s farted”

Going nowhere that lad!

 

Imagine if the actress Thandie Newton had married Des Lynam and unfortunately got divorced and later on in life got married again to Rupert Murdoch she would forever had been known as Thandie Lynam-Murdoch.

 

Phone rang: Hello?
Caller: Mr Jones we have it on good authority you have been involved in an accident, is this correct?
Mr Jones: That's correct
Caller: Mr Jones, can you tell me when this was?
Mr Jones: About 9 months before I was born, now f**k off

 

I tried to set my password to beef stew.

It's not stroganoff.

 

When I told the prostitute that I'd forgotten my wallet and only had a £10 note in my pocket, she laughed and said "You won't get much for a tenner mate"
The next day when shopping with the wife I dropped on the same girl in Wetherspoons, she said "Told you you wouldn't get much for a tenner didn't I?"

 

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

‘About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.

The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’

Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’

‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.

 

Thieves broke into Barnsley RSPCA and stole all the puppies from the kennels. The police were alerted but when they did a sweep of the area they couldn't find any leads.