Made me laugh

I joined a gym last week. On my first visit, an instructor was showing me round. I asked him which machine I should use to make me look attractive to girls half my age. He replied "The ATM".

 

I went to the doctors and asked for something for persistant wind.
He gave ma a kite.

Les Dawson

 

View attachment 8422

 

Unable to delete

 

Punchline needs some work.

 

Haha . Posted it before 9pm threshold so thought best to delete

 

Just had a fifty parnd note tattooed on mi nob, r lass sez wot the foook, r said, for 1, i like to see mi money grow, for 2 i like to hold onto mi money, an play wi it, an when thar decides to go art an blow 50 parnd, tha can stay home an do it.

 

Found this massive spider in our living room yesterday. My wife said "please don't kill him, just take him out". So I did. We had a few pints, a curry and a good old chin wag. He was really good company, told me all about his brill job as a web designer.

 

I got fired when I asked a customer if they wanted smoking or non- smoking
Apparently the correct terms were ‘ cremation’ and ‘burial’

 

Got in last neight r lass sez help me with mi dieting, T'day i got a reight foookin for hiding her Teeth, fat fooooka.

 

How do you organise a party in outer space?


You planet.

 

Many years ago whilst training to be a sales rep the manager gave me a right dressing down for failing to ask the customer if there was anything else we could help them with once they had made a purchase or not...
As an example he said here in general stores if a customer asks do you have any nuts and bolts you would ask would you like any washers too thus attempting to make an extra sale.... he continued as I looked on rather puzzled... washers go hand in hand with nuts and bolts and are used for spaces..so.. always try to make that extra sale...now use your head lad...in fact..
Look there's a chap there go practice your skills on him now
So of I went to serve the gentleman..
The guy in question wanted sanitary towels for his wife.. So being a quick learner I asked can I interest you in a lawn mower sir... The chap said no thanks paid for the said product and exited the shop
Quick as a flash the manager fuming with rage stormed over to where I was stood and once again tore into me... Raising his voice he demanded... Why in God's name did you just ask that gentleman if he wanted a lawn mower with female sanitary products.... I replied well it was obvious from our discussion that he wasn't about to get his leg over this week... So I thought he'd have time on his hands to mow the grass.... Taxi

 

Marriage is like a game of cards.
To begin with, you need two hearts and a diamond.
In the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.

 

I got left with the auld maid

 

A vegan told me that butchers are gross.

I said that I thought people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer.

 

A horse walks into a bar and the barman asks "why the long face"?

The horse, not being able to understand English, sh*ts on the floor and leaves.

 

Elon Musk and Bill Gates should get together and invent a cure for erectile dysfunction.
They could call it ElonGates