Made me laugh

Discussion in 'Bulletin Board' started by Connor, Feb 25, 2018.

Page 71 of 242
  1. Donny Red

    Donny Red Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Oct 3, 2016
    Messages:
    8,216
    Likes Received:
    7,044
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    Retired.
    Location:
    Ossett.
    Style:
    Barnsley (full width)
    My wife got a FaceTime alert from our sister in law in Donny. The phone was propped up
    on the worktop adjacent to the cooker and you could see her hands in a fast stream of water
    gushing from the tap. Wife's brother ( Dale) is her hubby. Suddenly you hear
    her shout " Dale I need your help, I've got a large leak in the sink."

    Cue brother in law running in with legs spinning like a cartoon character, whereupon Sister in
    law holds up a massive leek she was preparing for tea. Can't print what he said to her.
     
    Donny Red, May 2, 2020
    #1401
    Cowboy, Old Goat and Hooky feller like this.
  2. Sim

    Simon De Montforte Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Nov 14, 2009
    Messages:
    5,283
    Likes Received:
    4,705
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Style:
    Barnsley (full width)
    What's got 300 legs and 17 teeth?

    The queue at Asda in Parsons Cross
     
    Simon De Montforte, May 4, 2020
    #1402
    Hooky feller, pompey_red, scarf and 1 other person like this.
  3. Sim

    Simon De Montforte Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Nov 14, 2009
    Messages:
    5,283
    Likes Received:
    4,705
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Style:
    Barnsley (full width)
    20200504_093827.jpg
     
    Simon De Montforte, May 4, 2020
    #1403
    TitusMagee, Cowboy, Marlon and 1 other person like this.
  4. Durkar Red

    Durkar Red Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 19, 2005
    Messages:
    11,956
    Likes Received:
    7,968
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Occupation:
    Exorcist
    Location:
    err..durkar
    Home Page:
    Style:
    Barnsley (full width)
    I thought I’d seen a colour that I’d never seen before but it was just a pigment of my imagination
     
    Durkar Red, May 4, 2020
    #1404
    Lordtyke, Simon De Montforte and Didcot Red like this.
  5. Hooky feller

    Hooky feller Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 11, 2016
    Messages:
    17,306
    Likes Received:
    19,737
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Occupation:
    Retired, full time grandad.
    Location:
    Mapp.
    Style:
    Barnsley (full width)
    A good old un.
    Native American introducing young uns to white man.
    NA “this is running water”
    WM “ why do you call her that”
    NA “ When I looked out of teepee when she was born first thing I saw was running water in the stream “
    WM “ oh ok”
    NA “ This is half moon.”
    WM “ why do you call him that”
    NA “ when I looked out of teepee when he was born. First thing I saw was a half moon”
    WM “oh ok”
    NA “ please meet two dogs fckin”
     
    Hooky feller, May 4, 2020
    #1405
    Connor and Simon De Montforte like this.
  6. Con

    Connor Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    May 21, 2013
    Messages:
    6,337
    Likes Received:
    4,199
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Gender:
    Male
    Style:
    Barnsley (full width)
    ABBD8A38-89B1-4D56-A8FE-9A8DBCC13237.jpeg
     
    Connor, May 4, 2020
    #1406
    anstonred, Simon De Montforte and JLWBigLil like this.
  7. arabian_ian

    arabian_ian Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Feb 13, 2013
    Messages:
    14,176
    Likes Received:
    16,071
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    Retired
    Location:
    Broughty Ferry
    Style:
    Barnsley (full width)
    I see Emmerdale and Corrie is stopping soon.
    First there was no toilet rolls now there will be no soap.
     
    arabian_ian, May 5, 2020
    #1407
    Metatarsal, Lordtyke, Baka and 2 others like this.
  8. arabian_ian

    arabian_ian Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Feb 13, 2013
    Messages:
    14,176
    Likes Received:
    16,071
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    Retired
    Location:
    Broughty Ferry
    Style:
    Barnsley (full width)
    Anyone wishing to show their appreciation for Amazon delivery drivers are asked to clap at their homes tomorrow anytime between 9am and 6pm.
     
    arabian_ian, May 6, 2020
    #1408
    Lordtyke likes this.
  9. Father Benny Cake

    Father Benny Cake Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2005
    Messages:
    2,346
    Likes Received:
    1,239
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Location:
    Craggy Island Parochial House
    Home Page:
    Style:
    Barnsley (full width)
    Have you heard about the dyslexic guy from Wombwell who went to the pub wearing a cat flap?
     
    Father Benny Cake, May 6, 2020
    #1409
    Simon De Montforte and Didcot Red like this.
  10. Sim

    Simon De Montforte Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Nov 14, 2009
    Messages:
    5,283
    Likes Received:
    4,705
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Style:
    Barnsley (full width)
    A German guy called Helmut approaches a lady of the night in London .
    "I vish to buy sex viz you."
    "Okay," says the girl, "I charge £50 an hour."
    "Ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky."
    "No problem," she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky for an extra £10."
    Helmut agrees.
    So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.
    "I vant zat you tie zese springs to each of your hans und knees."
    The girl finds this odd, but complies, fastening the springs as requested.
    "Now you vill get down on your hans und knees."
    This she duly does, balancing precariously on the springs.
    "You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you."
    She thinks this even odder, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying).
    But the sex is fantastic: honking away on the duck caller, she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German. The climax is the most sensational she has ever experienced, and it's several minutes before she has enough breath to say, "That was totally amazing! What do you call that position?"

    "Zat," replies the German, "is ze Four-sprung Duck Technique
     
    Simon De Montforte, May 6, 2020
    #1410
    Tekkytyke, TitusMagee, old faithful and 6 others like this.
  11. North Yorks Red

    North Yorks Red Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Oct 12, 2005
    Messages:
    16,251
    Likes Received:
    14,051
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Harrogate
    Style:
    Barnsley (full width)
    upload_2020-5-6_19-50-8.jpeg upload_2020-5-6_19-50-8.jpeg
     
    North Yorks Red, May 6, 2020
    #1411
    Simon De Montforte, Connor and BFC Dave like this.
  12. Tyke_67

    Tyke_67 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    May 31, 2013
    Messages:
    14,896
    Likes Received:
    20,525
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Style:
    Barnsley (full width)
    I had to get a new washing machine last week as the old one packed in. Ordered from Currys online. Picked a delivery day and the expected time of delivery is.....

    Anytime from 7 am to 7 pm.

    Good job I've got nowhere to go isn't it?
     
    Tyke_67, May 7, 2020
    #1412
    Ellie, Hooky feller, Donny Red and 2 others like this.
  13. Father Benny Cake

    Father Benny Cake Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2005
    Messages:
    2,346
    Likes Received:
    1,239
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Location:
    Craggy Island Parochial House
    Home Page:
    Style:
    Barnsley (full width)
    In bed last night, after sex, my girlfriend snuggled up to me and said, “You know you are far the biggest I’ve ever had don’t you?”

    Apparently “ditto” isn’t the correct response...
     
    Father Benny Cake, May 8, 2020
    #1413
    scarf, Simon De Montforte, Hooky feller and 4 others like this.
  14. Redstone

    Redstone Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Sep 10, 2005
    Messages:
    16,027
    Likes Received:
    11,471
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Style:
    Barnsley Dark
    I went into a pub and saw it was darts night.

    Did a 180 and walked out.
     
    Redstone, May 8, 2020
    #1414
    scarf, Simon De Montforte, Connor and 3 others like this.
  15. Hooky feller

    Hooky feller Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 11, 2016
    Messages:
    17,306
    Likes Received:
    19,737
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Occupation:
    Retired, full time grandad.
    Location:
    Mapp.
    Style:
    Barnsley (full width)
    Pity she didn’t get life for the first husband. 2nd Kyle should have done due diligence mind. Anyone else called Kyle steer clear of Karen.
     
    Hooky feller, May 8, 2020
    #1415
  16. Did

    Didcot Red Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 17, 2012
    Messages:
    3,373
    Likes Received:
    3,212
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    Retired
    Location:
    Didcot
    Style:
    Barnsley (full width)
    Another from the Tony Blackburn listeners:

    A good hew story from the Lockdown. A boat maker has been working from home since March and his sails have gone through the roof.

    Boom, Boom.
     
    Didcot Red, May 9, 2020
    #1416
    Connor and Father Benny Cake like this.
  17. Nei

    NeilMol Active Member

    Joined:
    Dec 6, 2018
    Messages:
    188
    Likes Received:
    125
    Trophy Points:
    43
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    In a Castle
    Style:
    Barnsley (full width)
    :)
     
    Last edited: May 19, 2020
    NeilMol, May 10, 2020
    #1417
  18. shenk1

    shenk1 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Dec 4, 2012
    Messages:
    6,603
    Likes Received:
    4,181
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Occupation:
    Urine Extraction Technician
    Location:
    Elsecar By The Sea
    Style:
    Barnsley (full width)
    Brutal :D

    [​IMG]
     
    shenk1, May 11, 2020
    #1418
    Simon De Montforte, Austiniho, Connor and 2 others like this.
  19. kestyke

    kestyke Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 26, 2005
    Messages:
    3,369
    Likes Received:
    1,650
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Location:
    In the chestnut tree cafe, waiting
    Home Page:
    Style:
    Barnsley
    An Englishman walked into a bar..... the Welshman, Irishman and Scotsman stayed at home.
     
    kestyke, May 12, 2020
    #1419
    TitusMagee, Baka, BarnsleyReds and 4 others like this.
  20. Old Goat

    Old Goat Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Dec 15, 2017
    Messages:
    8,045
    Likes Received:
    14,884
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Style:
    Barnsley (full width)
    No lie, an Equal Opportunities Officer at my old office once told a joke that began "Three people of indeterminate race, age, gender or sexual orientation walk into a bar..."

    That's the only bit of the joke I remember.
     
    Old Goat, May 12, 2020
    #1420
Page 71 of 242

Share This Page