Made me laugh

Discussion in 'Bulletin Board' started by Connor, Feb 25, 2018.

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  1. RedStriker

    RedStriker Well-Known Member

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    After her sixth child, Lucy decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory because her bomb doors were dangling a bit too low and looked like a ripped out fireplace.
    Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with six children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there so it looked more like a piggy bank slot rather than a badly packed kebab.
    Following the operation she awoke from her anesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed.
    “Who are these from?" she asked the nurse, "They're very nice, but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them."
    "Well" said the nurse, "The first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks".
    "Ahhh, that's really nice" said Lucy.
    "The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!"
    "Brilliant!" said Lucy. "And the third?”
    "That's from Eric in the burns unit", said the nurse. "He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears!"
     
    RedStriker, Jul 7, 2020
    #1521
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  2. Sim

    Simon De Montforte Well-Known Member

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    One lovely day, two tourists were driving through Wales.
    At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch they stopped for lunch and one of the tourists asked the waitress:
    “Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?”
    The girl leaned over and said:

    “Burrr… gurrr… King.”
     
    Simon De Montforte, Jul 8, 2020
    #1522
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  3. Sim

    Simon De Montforte Well-Known Member

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    I’ve just subscribed to “Pig Breeders Monthly”, gorra free pen...
     
    Simon De Montforte, Jul 8, 2020
    #1523
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  4. Sim

    Simon De Montforte Well-Known Member

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    I have just found out I am colour blind.

    I was amazed; the diagnosis came right out of the green.
     
    Simon De Montforte, Jul 8, 2020
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  5. arabian_ian

    arabian_ian Well-Known Member

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    Yep. Eric was over the moon. IMG_0467.jpg
     
    arabian_ian, Jul 8, 2020
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  6. KamikazeCo-Pilot

    KamikazeCo-Pilot Well-Known Member

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    After my weekly trip to the library I've just finished two great reads...
    'Protecting Australia's Ecosystem ' - Barry O'Reefe
    'How to Write The Perfect Novel' - Paige Turner
     
    KamikazeCo-Pilot, Jul 8, 2020
    #1526
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  7. Redstone

    Redstone Well-Known Member

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    There's a gang in my area who recruit new members by threatening them with all kinds of punishments if they don't join.

    But enough about the Church......
     
    Redstone, Jul 8, 2020
    #1527
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  8. joh

    john coucom Well-Known Member

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    What about haunted houses by Hugo First
    Scalp disorders by Dan Druff
     
    john coucom, Jul 8, 2020
    #1528
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  9. Exi

    Exile Well-Known Member

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    I'm never using stick deodorant again...

    The instructions said: “remove cap and push up bottom.”

    I can hardly work now, but my farts smell nice.
     
    Exile, Jul 8, 2020
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  10. Farnham_Red

    Farnham_Red Administrator Staff Member Admin

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    An assistant to Donald Trump told him she had had a fantastic dream last night.

    There was a huge parade down Pennsylvania Avenue celebrating Trump. Millions lined the parade route, cheering when the President went past. Bands were playing; children were throwing confetti into the air; there were balloons everywhere. It was absolutely the BIGGEST CELEBRATION WASHINGTON HAD EVER SEEN! Trump was very impressed and said, "That's really great! By the way, how did I look in your dream? Was my hair okay?"

    His assistant said ... "I couldn't tell, the coffin was closed."
     
    Farnham_Red, Jul 8, 2020
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  11. Sim

    Simon De Montforte Well-Known Member

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    I was looking around a dog kennels and pondering on which breed of dog I should go for, when one of the staff came along and gave me a couple of pointers.
     
    Simon De Montforte, Jul 13, 2020
    #1531
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  12. RedStriker

    RedStriker Well-Known Member

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    .
    Loafers.jpg
     
    RedStriker, Jul 13, 2020
    #1532
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  13. RedStriker

    RedStriker Well-Known Member

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    .
    Bosch.jpg
     
    RedStriker, Jul 13, 2020
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  14. RedStriker

    RedStriker Well-Known Member

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    upload_2020-7-13_18-40-22.jpeg
     
    RedStriker, Jul 13, 2020
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  15. KamikazeCo-Pilot

    KamikazeCo-Pilot Well-Known Member

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    A man has been caught by police after breaking into a supermarket and stealing ice-cream, trifle, cheesecakes and various other desserts. He has been remanded in custard.
     
    KamikazeCo-Pilot, Jul 13, 2020
    #1535
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  16. RedStriker

    RedStriker Well-Known Member

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    upload_2020-7-13_22-43-8.jpeg
     
    RedStriker, Jul 13, 2020
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  17. Exi

    Exile Well-Known Member

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    Someone threw a giant bottle of omega-3 pills at me.

    I’m fine - I only suffered super fish oil injuries.
     
    Exile, Jul 13, 2020
    #1537
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  18. Ton

    Tonjytyke Well-Known Member

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    Al get thi coit for thi!!
     
    Tonjytyke, Jul 14, 2020
    #1538
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  19. Sim

    Simon De Montforte Well-Known Member

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    Monday: Gregg

    Tuesday: Ian

    Wednesday: Gregg

    Thursday: Ian

    Friday: Gregg

    Saturday: Ian

    Sunday: Gregg


    A week from the Gregorian Calendar.
     
    Simon De Montforte, Jul 15, 2020
    #1539
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  20. Father Benny Cake

    Father Benny Cake Well-Known Member

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    My sister bet me a hundred quid I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti.
    You should have seen her face when I drove pasta!
     
    Father Benny Cake, Jul 16, 2020
    #1540
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