A couple from Tony Blackburn's SOTS this morning: I took the shell off my racing snail thinking it would make it go faster. If anything it was more sluggish. They seem to be giving the Nobel Prize out for virtually anything nowadays. A farmer was awarded one for being outstanding in his field.
The wife said if you're bored why don't you make a bird table? Now she's kicking off because I've put her in fifth place.
I was at a job interview yesterday when the manager handed me a laptop and said: “I want you to try to sell this to me.” So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Later he called me and said: “Bring my laptop back now.” I said: “£200 and it’s yours.”
The famous actor Yul Brynner was a lifelong Liverpool fan and he never used aftershave. That's right, yul never wore cologne
Told my suitcases yesterday that there'd be no holidays this year. Now I'm dealing with emotional baggage.
Don't let them take your temperature when you go in a supermarket!! It ERASES your memory! I went in for 3 loaves of bread and came out with 2 crates of beer
Just been into bar in Ambleside, ordered 6 pints of Old Rosie, 6 Sambukas,6 double Jamesons & 3 gin n tonics. I said can I pay by card? Yes, what card have you got? I said 6 of clubs.
As i walked passed two women in town yesterday, One woman said to the other: "You can get it up further if you squeeze it hard enough" I have no idea what they were talking about, but it sounded funny