Need help, please...

I wish I had that much hair these days.
Not transported - transitioned.
I now identify as a highland goat.

 

Let's be honest, you were one who fc*ked the bat. Only reason you were there. China don't need pipes.

 

The bat got the pipe.
Just realised the CSA haven’t been in touch.
You owe me Daryl Dike in back payments.

 

I like that we can identify as stuff these days. I identify as "Not in this house you don't!"*. I still have to work out all the correct gender pronouns.

*Either that or a sofa.

 

The only channel I can think of is the BBC

 

Jay (he/him/sofa/bellwhiff).
It’s your right.
However, I bet you just can’t be arsed identifying as anything. Too much effort.

I’m sad you’re single.
Maybe go on the Barnsley dating app T’inder?

 

I'm not single. My girlfriend lives in Australia. In the history of bad ideas that takes some beating and then along came a global pandemic.

 

Brilliant.
My girlfriend is well fit, but she goes to another school and 100% exists and isn’t made of cardboard.

 

I'm best friends with Ian Ormondroyd

 

BBC AHIAO

 

I’m off to NZ at Christmas.
Should I pop in & give her one from you?
I can wear a Jesus & Mary Chain mask, put on 5 stone & only last 4 thrusts? Dead realistic and that.

If she existed, that is.

 

Erm, no you're not. Chances of New Zealand letting normal people in again are pretty slim. You've zero chance.

I was there two years ago. With an imaginary cardboard cut-out.

 

Family there. Wife’s Brother.
Paperwork done.
Piece of piss.

We’re all allowed in.
Just not you.
Or your sofa.

 

To be serious for one second. I was in Australia just over a year ago, returned beginning of March last year. Went to see my cardboard cutout, but I also have family there: my dad's brother and his whole family. My half sister was there too, with her kiwi boyfriend. I flew home (I wish I fkucing hadn't, I nearly didn't), my sister and her boyfriend went to Laos for two weeks before doing their six month farm thing in Australia that allowed them to stay for 2 years. And then the world went mental. He lives at my dad's house in Barnsley because he couldn't get home. Me dad and his wife got them on the last plane back to the UK before they were stranded. Australia wouldn't let them in, New Zealand wouldn't let them in. A New Zealand lad, having never been to this country before now lives here because his own country wouldn't let him in. They'll take your money though....

 

Sounds like you’re from well before my time here, but I haven’t laughed like this at a thread on the BBS in a long while

 

We’re going via Teams.
A week in the north island by Teams.
8 days on the South Island by Zoom.
Christchurch on Google Meet.
Can’t wait. Paid £756,932,834 (Dike’s release clause).

 

When you were on Question Time recently you said you were going to take Fiona Bruce up the wrong 'un whilst flicking off Teresa May.

Any joy with that at all?

 

The first half of that was genuinely funny. You were bound to get there eventually. It's only taken 20 fk*cing years.

 

Jay’s trying to spoil it though.
He’s completed Pornhub in the last 12 months, so he’s a bit fed up.

 

He was, and my time too.
TFP's introduction into journalism was a joint article with King George VI on Eldon st st st st street bogs