taking a **** on company time

Is that a picture of you?

In your "Led Zep" days?

I'd like to see your shaggy dogs tail.
In fact - I'd like to see a dog loving a goat.

 

There are guidelines

As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOO is inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, the following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING -- When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make
sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY -- The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE -- A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poo in a cubicle. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK -- When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the cubicle until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH -- The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poo has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME. (yep..guilty)

WALK OF SHAME -- Walking from the cubicle, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER -- A colleague who poos at work and is proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet pooer enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.

THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) -- A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS -- A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR -- Someone who does not realise that you are in the cubicle and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the cubicle until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH -- A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a cubicle. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE -- A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a cubicle. This will remove all doubt that the cubicle is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.

WATERMELON -- A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANAOMELET -- A case of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED -- A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom

 

RE: There are guidelines

i like what that person is talking about...but sometimes you can't hold last nights kebab back for long enough...

1). my method is waiting for the hand dryer to be turned on then letting it out full throttle.
2). if not able to do that due to third world drying facilities then i either just pop some bog roll in the pan to catch said crap, or create a good enough angle to create a "cliff hanger" - this is a turd that lands on the side of the pan (without noise) and then hangs on for dear life as you flush.

always good to avoid these moments...even worse is when you burst into the toilet suffering from whatever you ate the night before only to find to cleaning ladies in there...you are forced, selfishly, to destroy their mornings work with one belting crap...and even worse...they can hear you doing it!

to the person who mentioned the bowl evidence but you wipe and see nothing...you must always use the three wipe rule...any less than three wipes (even if they are all clean) and you are walking a dangerous line!

 

Use the old firemans blanket technique for large sh1ts

put 4 or 5 sheets of crap roll over the water section of the pot thus cushioning the inevitable splashback.

 

RE: There are guidelines

its worse when you pebble dash the pot and theres no loo brush

 

Employers - there's a solution

Sorry for the crap scan but you get the idea

[img=http://gallery.scummy.org/d/8216-2/badgers+arse.jpeg]

or alternatively

[img=http://nickspage.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/graterroll.jpg]

 

Badger's Arse toilet paper.....

Is it a progression from the original Izal 'hard-grain' that we endured as kids?

 

hehe

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Looking at the ingredients it certainly sounds like it. (nt)

 

Was that the tracing paper stuff?

 

RE: Was that the tracing paper stuff?

Yep!

 

Not only did you go to the trouble of scanning that out of Viz,

hosting it, then hotlinking to it, but you have actually re-done it, and edited your post, because of the blurring on the original scan.

Now that's either dedication to bringing a good gag to a wider audience, or just very, very sad. I honestly don't know which.

 

Ah, but don't forget the multi purpose Barnsley Chronicle

Read then wipe