At some crap jokes... I rang the council today to ask if I could have a skip outside my house The bloke said "You can cartwheel around the block for all I care"
If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!
Currently, when thinking about Barnsley, which I seem to be doing far too often recently, I'm in the mood for laughing
My aunt Marge has been so ill for so long that we've started to call her I can't believe she's not better.
I took this personality test on the internet. It said "Describe yourself in one word" I answered, "Not good at following instructions"
Was in Currys today, saw this sign that said ‘Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full’ I thought ‘I can’t turn that down’
Found a suitcase on my way to work this morning. Opened it - a dog and three young pups inside. Phoned the RSPCA straight away - woman there asked "were they moving?" "I'm not sure", I said, "but it probably explains the suitcase".
I'm sick of people knocking on my door begging. Theres just been a woman asking for donations for a sperm bank. I gave her a right mouthful.
To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet ... you can hide but you can't run.
Got up at nine this morning and found the wife collapsed on the kitchen floor. I panicked. Then I realised the cafe down the road did breakfasts until 11
In the betting shop today my friend told me to put all my money on a horse named Landfill. Turns out it was a rubbish tip!
My neighbour knocked on my door earlier on and said "There are six people punching and kicking the s**t out of your mother in law. Aren't you going to help?" I said "No, six should be enough".......
I asked the wife if she wanted me to pick up fish & chips on my way home from work. I think she regrets allowing me to name our kids!